PILLARS OF MARRIAGE - RESPECT

 BEFORE I delve into today’s topic, allow me to mention one or two things in reference to last week’s subject on ‘Love as a pillar of marriage’. It’s important to pattern our love from God’s love, the unending love He has for his people. This love can be summed up as unconditional, eternal, sacrificial, initiating, sympathetic and kind. Unless the couple (husband and wife) models this Christ-like love, the marriage will not experience love as a pillar, but a feeble and quickly fading emotion. 

Today my focus will be on pillar No. 2, which is respect. Again, here so much has been said and written about the subject matter. And most often than not, many of these views are shaped by culture and socialisation. My views are guided by the manual of marriage, the Holy Bible; hence we will look at respect with that backdrop. Let me start by highlighting a few definitions of respect which will contextualise our talk. Among the many definitions, respect means to be thoughtful and show kind consideration and concern for another individual; put differently, respect is the recognition of the other person’s worth, value and dignity.

Therefore, respect is the demonstration of honour, it is to think highly of someone, to look up to someone, and to have polite regard of someone else. A key note to observe is that the Bible teaches that we should respect each other; the husband is to respect his wife as a woman, suitable-helper and mother of his children. Likewise the wife is to respect her husband as a man, leader of the household and father of her children. This, therefore, means respect is a two-way street. Respect begets respect. Before you demand respect from your spouse you must first give it. And for respect to have the desired impact between husband and wife, it must be expressed in love, trust and gratitude.

Focus

For the purposes of our talk here, I will focus on three areas where you need to respect your spouse. Firstly, show respect to your spouse in thoughts, because what you think affects what you say. If you think less of your spouse, you will most likely disrespect your spouse. Thoughts matter and husbands and wives must be in a habit of having positive thoughts towards each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Do not think the worst of your wife because you will have difficulty in respecting her, likewise the wife to her husband. At this level, respect is earned, so avoid behaviours that will impede respect or make it difficult for your spouse to respect you. 

Secondly, your words must show respect to your spouse, because what you say will affect and shape how you act. Regardless of the shortcomings your spouse may have, no matter the many changes she/he needs to adopt, always speak respectfully to your spouse. It is often said words frame our worlds, hence every word that carelessly leaves the mouth has a potential of tempering with respect in the home. When you are in a habit of berating and taking your spouse for granted, you voluntarily initiate the demise of your marriage. So as husband and wife, before talking, always check the condition of your heart, ask yourself, ‘am I honouring my spouse with my words or am I tearing him/her down’? (Matthew 12:34). We can choose to uplift our spouses or destroy them with our words, Proverbs 18:21.

Your respect for your spouse must be evident through your words, avoiding negative and disparaging words. Naturally, criticism causes us to become defensive, but admiration motivates and energizes.
Thirdly, show respect to your spouse by your actions, because how you act affects your daily interactions which either build or destroy the relationship and ultimately the marriage. Some say actions speak louder than words and both can enhance or hamper respect between husband and wife. How you act around your spouse is important as it influences the way other people, including your children, perceive him/her.

The Bible draws emphasis on the wife to respect her husband. This is not to say the husband ought not respect his wife, but the emphasis is drawn because of the need of husbands to be respected, as much as the need of wives to be loved. Think of it as two engines that run on different kinds of fuel, one with diesel and the other with petrol.

The wife runs on love, while the husband runs on respect. This reinforces the notion that men need respect to function well in their role as husbands. Wives who withhold respect from their husbands put their husbands on a leash and therefore, confine the potential of their marriages.

Always fill your spouse’s tank, remember men run on respect and wives run on love. And this does not mean your husband is not to be loved nor does it mean that your wife is not to be respected. Men and women must love and respect each other and should do so with sincerity. When both do so, with the husband learning to love and the wife learning to respect, the results can be magical and lead to a healthy marriage. God bless you!

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