PILLARS OF MARRIAGE

IN the last three articles we talked about the purpose for marriage and briefly highlighted three namely, companionship, procreation and sexual enjoyment. All this is anchored by what I call pillars of marriage; Love and Respect.

Every marriage, no matter the stage it is in, will thrive and flourish if these pillars are in place. Many books and songs have been written about love and subsequently, so many perspectives are out there about what true love is and what it is not. Love is one of the leading subjects in books, films, music, magazines and social media. Everyone seems to be an expert and readily available to offer advice on matters of love, the young and the old alike. Unfortunately, there is no school or university of love and this in its self makes the subject of love to be highly contentious.

However, as we have already established in previous articles, our perspective in this column is shaped by the manual of marriage (the Holy Bible). And the Bible has a lot to say about love. So, would you allow me to add some short definitions of love for some perspective, as we talk about love as a pillar of marriage. Firstly, it is important to note that love is not only a noun but also a verb, therefore love is not love without action, hence the phrase ‘Love is not love until it is given away’. Secondly, love is more than just a feeling, but an attitude demonstrated with an appropriate behaviour. Based on these two definitions, one can easily conclude that love has to do with actions and commitment.

And in the case of husband and wife, love must be demonstrated in such a manner that each party is not in doubt that, ‘I am loved’ by my husband/wife; not just because of something extraordinary that I have done for my spouse. Because love has to do with commitment, your spouse must experience your love even in days where you have disappointed each other.  Before I am carried away, I want to highlight the three levels of love each married couple will experience. Sociologists have conveniently categorised love to at least seven types, and I will focus on just three which I believe are key for a successful marriage.

Neglect

Firstly, there is what we call Eros, which is the romantic, sexual attraction and passion love you have for your spouse. This type of love is important for the husband and wife to remain sexually attracted to each other and keep the intimacy and passion intact. Married couples who neglect this type of love often find themselves vulnerable to infidelity.

While it is true that you cannot always go back to the honeymoon phase, the husband and wife should put every effort to remain intimate and attracted to each other. Not only will you be protecting each other from falling into sin and compromising your wellbeing and that of your spouse, but you live a fulfilling life of oneness in your marriage. The husband and wife must feel affection for each other. In Eros, each seeks fulfilment in the other.

The second type of love I want to highlight, which I believe adds an extra strength to love as a pillar of marriage is Philia. This type of love speaks to the nature of friendship the married couple have for each other. The husband and wife are to be the best of friends and no human relationship should be above that of the two. Being best friends with and being supportive of your spouse makes your marriage a lot happier and enjoyable.

pouses who are able to easily confide in each other have probably worked hard on this type of love. Friendship in marriage is not automatic, it is an intentional act and the two must tirelessly work at it.  Work to improve their companionship, communication and cooperation. In Philia, they both seek fulfilment in one mutual goal.   The third type of love is what we call Agape, and every marriage must be built on this God-kind of love, the unconditional love. This is the selfless love the husband has for his wife and vice-versa.

Fading

 This type of love is scarce and rapidly fading in today’s’ marriages. Far too many married couples are in marriages for selfish gains and are quick to get out of the union at the slightest possible reason. The Agape kind of love is the pillar that ensures that only death can bring the marriage to an end. It is important to point out that this kind of love must not be abused by one spouse to enslave the other to remain in a life-long-draining marriage.

Mishaps are part of our human nature and most often than not, spouses find themselves at loggerheads; in those instances, forgiveness then becomes an important entity for the two. It is said that marriage is the only relationship where it is impossible to serve the other well if there is unforgiveness. In marriages where there is no Agape love, forgiveness is often impossible, married couples live with bitterness and resentfulness.

This not only leads to a stressful marriage, but also impacts the health of the affected spouse(s), today many are suffering from depression, hypertension and suicidal thoughts because of marital issues. This should not be the case: the husband and wife are to express unselfish love for each other that will allow them to sincerely apologise for any mishaps and quickly forgive each other. Worth noting is that Agape can keep erotic love alive or rekindle erotic love that has been lost.

Love is a pillar of marriage and any marriage that is void of this pillar will in no time collapse and become history. Next time we talk about Respect as another pillar of marriage. God bless you!     

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