IN MARRIAGE LITTLE THINGS A BIG DEAL II

LAST week we touched on three things that shape marriage to one that can either be endured or enjoyed and my prayer for you is the latter. Today I want to continue from last week’s article and share more areas which seem little for our full attention, yet they are a big deal in shaping marriages.

I did mention and want to emphasise that these little things are the every day occurrences as you process life together with your spouse. A little effort in these areas will enrich your marriage and help both of you better navigate the difficult patches ahead. All this hinges on the attitude and resolve of the couple to make their marriage work. Without this posture things will be difficult, and every reason is good enough to break the union.

When the husband and wife begin their journey as a married couple, they exchange marriage vows, where they each pledge to the other. The spirit of the marriage vows is one that is anchored on honesty, a virtue which is quickly diminishing in today’s world.

Today it is difficult to find people who will keep their word, and this should not be the case with husbands and wives. Honesty is evident in speech and in actions. In speech, husbands and wives should be able to openly have conversations about any area in their lives without shame. The greatest impediment to these open conversations is lying to your spouse.

It is disheartening to have a husband or wife who does not despise telling lies. And here there are different levels; some don’t mind telling what we call ‘a white lie’ or avoiding telling the truth, while others are habitual liars, telling lies with great ease. Every lie between a husband and wife unfortunately bears another lie and before you know it, you are swamped in lies. I know this can be a grey-area in many relationships, but in the marriage relationship honesty is key to a healthy relationship. It reinforces trust between the two, something which is quickly fading in many marriages

Today it is common to find that the husband does not trust his wife and vice-versa. My appeal is that we, as married couples, practice honesty; say what we mean and mean what we say, because a small lie today will come back and bite you tomorrow. Honesty, especially in the area of finances is very important. Your spouse should not be in the dark regarding your money spending patterns. It will be tough to gain your spouse’s trust if you have lied about overspending or diversion of family finances. And here both husband and wife are guilty; the wife often guilty of overspending and trying to cover up. At times this overspending was necessary and unavoidable, but because of many reasons she will choose to be silent or make up a story.

On the other hand, the husband is guilty of having personal projects outside the family. And again, here some of these projects can be noble, like putting up a roof for your parents, paying school fees for your relative, but for some reason the husband chooses to be silent about it. As a pastor and marriage counsellor, my advice to you is talk about it no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing it may be. And reason is, it may seem insignificant and easily swept under the carpet but believe me, it will come out and erode trust between the two of you.

Another area I want to touch on is that of honestly expressing your feelings to your spouse. If you feel you are no longer connecting with your spouse as you used to, do not be silent and mislead him/her as if all is well. You need to verbalise your feelings and work on coming back to that sweet spot. Perhaps other priorities have overtaken your relationship, you need to say it out, ‘ungafeli ngekhatsi’. In fact, most if not all marital problems are much easier to deal with at their start than to harbour them for a long period, hoping that things will get better on their own. Be honest with yourself and your spouse and communicate your feelings to him/her. In doing so you would have saved and prolonged not only your marriage but the quality of your lives.
My plea and prayer for you is that you will not be a pretentious couple, who live for others and obsessed about painting a picture perfect for everyone to see, yet inwardly they are dying.

The Bible tells of Adam and Eve who were both naked and felt no shame, total transparency. My test for you, can your spouse look through you? Or there are hidden areas which you are pretending to be in shape when they are not. Clinical psychologists overwhelmingly agree that bottled feelings can be toxic to your life and may lead to psychosis and other mental disorders.

Suppressing your feelings can damage your relationship and lead to dire consequences for your marriage. Do not take this lightly; it can be the difference between you enjoying or enduring your marriage. Honesty is the policy for many happy and health marriages.
I have just highlighted two areas of honesty, but in all areas, the married are supposed to practice honesty. God bless you! Please send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz

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