IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

 SICKNESS can be a strain in a marriage particularly when it is for prolonged periods of time. Yet sickness sometimes can bring the best out of a married couple and forge one of the best friendships.

The purpose of my article today is not to explore the meaning of this promise between the two, but to share concepts to deal with sickness in marriage. All couples getting married do so without knowledge of the future; the only hope is blissful days ahead. So, when things turn to worse there is often a lot of unpreparedness and disappointment at the situation and even in God Himself.

Couples will then ask what they did to deserve such pain and struggle. I want to set as a premise that though sickness is not from God, it does not necessarily mean that it is always from the devil. Sickness can be due to many factors which I will not enumerate to avoid sounding insensitive to individual cases. However, we must be aware that just like the Bible foretold, we are living in times when there is a great surge in many kinds of ill-health. Today, countries like ours are dealing with double disease burden; where there is a high rise of non-communicable diseases.

These chronic diseases often have an adverse effect in the economic status of family and country. It is therefore imperative for people getting married in this space and time to be cognizant of the fact that sickness is a reality and since it is a reality, it is prudent to prepare for it or at the very least think about it. As I have already alluded, sickness can be strenuous and since the married couple has pledged to be together in sickness and in health, both must have an appreciation of the emotions triggered by sickness.

There is perhaps no greater measure of commitment and loyalty than remaining by the side of your ailing spouse no matter how long the sickness lingers. The support and care you render to your spouse during these hard times can give enough reason for your ailing spouse to fight back against sickness. Supporting your spouse through sickness is more than just paying for hospital and medical bills. Although settling medical bills is a very important gesture, the ailing spouse often desires your emotional support. And this is where at times our emotional bank is found wanting, especially men.

Fewer men than women are able to take care of their spouses when sickness strikes the family. Women, by natural instincts are better in caring, and this does not mean husbands cannot measure up, they just need to put more effort. It is important for the married couple to journey together through the stages of sickness and if need be, seek professional help in terms of counselling if one/both are not coping. It is normally said there are five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

These stages also happen to terminally ill people, where they grieve for the future lost because of illness, opportunities missed, social life disrupted. It is important therefore for the married couple to understand these stages to better support each other. I may not unpack these stages in detail, because my intention is to make you aware and advise you to seek appropriate help. The first stage is denial - this is a normal reaction even after several different medical opinions have been made.

The husband and wife need to help each other get through this stage early enough to get medical assistance. I know I am speaking as a pastor who believes in the power of prayer and that there is nothing impossible with the God I believe in. However, I also believe that God has given men and women the ability to perform medical interventions to our ailing bodies.

The second stage is anger, and this stage can be critical to the married couple if not handled well; the sick spouse might turn the anger towards sickness to the loving spouse taking care of him/her. It is common for sick people to be easily annoyed and snap at the slightest mishap. This therefore becomes important for the other spouse to show love and patience with the sick spouse.

This period can be short or prolonged depending on that individual. Then there is the bargaining stage - during this stage, people look for ways to evade their illness by bargaining with themselves or a higher power, thinking it will go away. They might also start questioning choices they believe may have led to their illness. Dealing with this stage together will help avoid ill-counsel and preserve the home.

After this stage comes depression; feelings of isolation, sadness and hopelessness grip the mind. If not well managed depression can lead to potentially damaging behaviour like skipping medication or not keeping doctor appointments.

Hence the importance of the other spouse to support the chronically ill spouse to increase the chances of retaining health in the body. Lastly, it is acceptance - at this stage a sense of knowing that although there is no medical cure for your illness, you can adapt. Feelings of anxiety will not completely go away, but with the support of his/her spouse one can learn coping strategies to overcome those emotions one day at a time.

I believe that as a child of God sickness is not yours and I strongly encourage you to connect with God in prayer, because it is He who brings healing and health to our bodies. If you are still waiting for your healing, know how to live or how to support your ailing spouse; in sickness and in health. God bless you!
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