BUILDING TRUST WITH YOUR CHILDREN

 TODAY my focus will shift from the spouse and look into the other group we interact with at home, our children. Building trust with your child is very important. We have already established that trust is a major building block to any successful relationship, including that with your child. And this will certainly yield positive results as it will truly promote cooperation and reduce rebellion in later stages of growth.

Every parent receives children as a blank page and instantly becomes responsible for shaping the genesis of that young life. It is perhaps less challenging to teach your child certain manners than teaching them moral values like trust. However, the benefits by far outweigh the huddles along the way.  Just like when teaching your child any appropriate behaviour, you as the parent will have to demonstrate that good behaviour.

Trust

It is the same with trust, only that it is a time-consuming and continuous job because building trust is a process and the process is as important as the end result. Each day becomes filled with quality interaction and genuine, honest conversation with your child. It is in the process that you can truly connect with your child and establish a strong bond as well as fond memories. 

I wish to share a few thoughts that could perhaps help you as a parent in building trust with your children. I must emphasise the importance of relating with your child as a unique individual and not make the mistake of lumping your children together.

Firstly, be a person of your word, honesty is the basis of trust. Just like we established when relating to issues of trust with your spouse, the same holds true for your children - you say what you mean and mean what you say. In other words, learn to be a straight talker and not manipulate words to fit a certain narrative. Manipulative words and actions place doubt in the child’s mind and it will eventually prevent them from trusting you.

We often underestimate the intelligence of our children, yet children are smart and very good in discerning, so do not try to spin the truth. Your child needs to know that you are a person of your word and in the event there are unforeseen changes, communicate those alterations with your child, do not brush him/her off. Remember we are creating a plausible pathway for our children that when they themselves are adults will be trustworthy individuals. So, it is important to remain honest and truthful with our words and actions.

Promise

Secondly, a promise is a promise. If you are in the habit of breaking promises, soon your promises will be valueless and empty. As parents, our children take after us, we model life to them, so when we falter, they will also falter. When you make a commitment, try your best to fulfill it. If for any reason, you can’t keep your promise, then provide an honest reason instead of excuses. Acknowledge that you could not fulfill the promise and do not project blame to others, because that sets the wrong example. King Solomon once said it is better not to make a promise, than to make one and fail to honour it.

The question is what happens to our children when we fail to keep our promises? Inevitably, we teach them not to trust us, however, every parent desires to be unequivocally trusted by their children. We also disappoint our children and make them feel unimportant, yet we model our parenting from God our Father who never disappoints us even for a moment.

The feeling of disappointment and unimportance have far reaching consequences as that affects the self-esteem of our children and that hampers their progress in life. No childhood is disappointment-free, but we can minimise some disappointments by keeping our promises. Another consequence of breaking promises is that we create the next generation of promise breakers in our children. With children, it is monkey see monkey do; it is very easy for our children to do as we do. I encourage parents to write what you would like to read on that clean slate you have been given, your child.  

 
Thirdly, you can build trust with your child by learning to listen more than just hearing them. Many parents have fallen short in this area; either we are too busy to stop and listen or we just do not find the value in listening to them. Do not just listen to respond but listen to understand. Far too many parents are quick to conclude and pass judgement before understanding the true feelings of the children. Understand and try to determine if the child is really worried or is just interested in telling you something.

At times we shut down our children by not listening to them, then at a later stage we wonder why our children are not communicating enough. Hence, I want to encourage you to learn to evaluate instead of diagnosing. Listening builds trust, because it says to the person being listened to ‘I am important’ and ‘this is a safe space for me’.

There is value in listening to your child and you will better understand what s/he is thinking and feeling. Let us build trust with our children and remember that it is a process and the process is as important as the end result. God Bless you! Please send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz        

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