AVOIDING DIVORCE: GOOD MOTHER IN-LAW

LAST week I highlighted the important role and influence in-laws have in ensuring the permanence of marriage and avoiding divorce.

Today my focus will be on the parents in-law of the groom and bride. This is because of the unique bond that they share with their children and parents tend to be overprotective of their children.

In the eyes of parents, children will always be children; meaning they are inexperienced, fragile and frail. Perhaps at times parents mirror their own personal experiences, particularly if they have been part of a broken marriage. It is important to recognise that your child is not you, s/he is unique with a different personality and s/he is marrying a different person than the one you married. This is a vital truth parents should consider. Not all men are the same, there might be many cases of abusive husbands we know of but each person deserves the benefit of the doubt.

This is also true for females, not all girls are gold diggers. Mothers in-law, especially from the groom’s side, should not look at the girl their son is intending to marry suspiciously and sentence her even before trial, and force her to prove her innocence for as long as she lives. You are not only exerting too much pressure on your relationship with her, but even greater pressure on their marriage.

Some marriages do not breakdown because the two have irresolvable conflicts but because of the pressure exerted by in-laws. A good mother in-law will encourage her son and his bride to prepare for marriage by enrolling for pre-marital counselling classes, even if her intuition tells her otherwise about the girl betrothed to marry her son. Avoid being the one telling your son who to marry and who not to marry; remember it is your son who is getting married and who will live with his bride. Yours is to promote their happiness.

Counselling

Pre-marital counselling, if done well, has a disposition of unveiling incompatibility between the two people intending to marry. A marriage counselor has a responsibility to reveal such to the two and show them the inevitable dangers ahead if they proceed to marry. This is not meant to relinquish your advisory role as a mother in the life of your child. However, this is meant to complement your parental responsibilities and preserve your relationship with your daughter in-law. I am well aware that in some family cultures, the bride to-be must be approved by the mother in-law before anything can proceed. I must say as a pastor and marriage counsellor I have witnessed a lot of married couples where the mother in-law disapproved at first but later changed her tune; in some cases the mother in-law approves but there is no joy in that marriage. The point here is that a good mother in-law will channel her son and his bride to a trained pre-marital counsellor and not wait for the wedding date to be fixed before you see the counsellor.

Secondly, a good mother in-law has the right perspective; you are not losing a son/daughter but gaining one. This will help you not to overstep your boundaries and not to view your daughter in-law as competition for your son’s affection. Knowing that you are gaining a new relationship should give you a warm feeling in your heart. Remember, your relationship with your daughter in-law can either cement or strain your son’s marriage. Most parents I know are rooting for their children to do better than themselves in literally all aspects of life. Welcoming your daughter in-law as one of your own does not only facilitate a seamless transition for the two lovebirds, but it has long term benefits.

The story of Ruth and her mother inlaw Naomi comes to mind. Long after Naomi’s son, Ruth’s husband, had passed, Ruth still chose to remain with her mother in-law and on Naomi’s advice their fortunes turned for the good. This biblical story is one of the best illustrations of a good relationship between mother in-law and daughter in-law. Welcoming your daughter in-law will help you not to be a critical mother in-law. Unlike your biological daughter who will understand to a certain extent your criticism, your daughter in-law might not understand. As a good mother in-law, avoid criticising your daughter-in-law to her face. Do not be critical of her to your son, your other children or even in the company of your friends and relatives. Some do not talk directly but act in ways that send critical messages.

Cleaning

When visiting your son’s home, do not start cleaning the house because you are implying that she is not a good housekeeper. Unless solicited, do not give gifts that send a negative message, like self-help books or gym memberships, because the implication is you need to change to be fully accepted. This is not easy, especially if there are glaring things that could be done in a more efficient way.

But I promise, if you work on solidifying the new relationship and be patient with your new daughter, soon she will open up to you and allow herself to be vulnerable with you.

Only then will she solicit advise from you; you will not have to push yourself into her space, but you will be freely invited. My advice to you is not to take advantage and misuse this trust for your own selfish gain, because trust lost is rarely regained. You can be a good mother in-law. God Bless you! Please send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz        

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