AVOIDING DIVORCE: THE GOOD FATHER-IN-LAW

The past two weeks our talk was directed to mothers-in-law and the purpose was to attempt to shape their perspectives towards their daughters-in-law.

I believe you have been helped and will begin to put some of the things we shared into practice so that you can build a Naomi and Ruth kind of relationship. Though Naomi lost her husband and two sons through death, because of the strong bond she had with her daughter-in-law Ruth, her latter days in life were without lack. Her daughter-in-law became the breadwinner and shared with her. Hence my encouragement to you that indeed you can be a good mother-in-law!

Today, I want to focus on the father-in-law and reiterate that you can be a good one. Let me begin by saying you have just gained a son and not lost a daughter. This outlook is imperative as you navigate this new order and relationship that you are no longer the number one priority of your daughter. I know it is perhaps the most difficult thing to accept for doting fathers who have raised their daughters like princesses. However, letting go of your daughter to love the man she has chosen gives her the best chance to be successful and happy in marriage.

Violence

The social ills of our time and the high prevalence of gender-based violence only exacerbate this uneasiness fathers feel towards their sons-in-law. And this wariness is perfectly normal for any loving father, but your son-in-law must not be made to bear the weight of all the evil men ill-treating their wives. Your son-in-law deserves your scrutiny, but not your judgement. As a father it is your responsibility to raise your daughter to be independent and make big decisions like choosing a life partner. You might not be inclined to the choice they have made but your support is invaluable. The best we can do is offer advices to our children when they have come of age and then trust the values we have instilled to guide them in their choices.

Suspicious

Avoid looking at your son-in-law with suspicious eyes because you will have a propensity to confront him and that will only invoke defensiveness from him. Inevitably this will not help in building a relationship between the two of you, something which will make your daughter happy. Get to know the man intending to marry your daughter and building a good relationship will enhance his respect for you and ultimately that of your daughter. This is a process, it’s not an event; it will take a lot of effort from you and as father-in-law you set the tone for this relationship. Your son-in-law will be as close as you allow him to be. It is important to have the big picture in mind, that a good relationship with your son-in-law will set-up your daughter to have a successful marriage.

Some fathers-in-law, who have strained relationships with their sons-in-law, often unintentionally cause strife for their daughters in marriage; as the daughters are subjected to choosing dad over husband or the other way round. Knowing your son-in-law is investing in your daughter’s marriage and somehow position yourself to protect your daughter even though she is no longer under your care. Your son-in-law will want to do good by you and what better security can your daughter have! Unfortunately, the opposite is true if the relationship between father-in-law and son in-law is bad, this can set a toxic environment for your daughter. It is normally said there are two types of fathers-in-law. The first types are those who behave like real fathers-in-law. The second types are those who behave like real fathers.

My prayer is that you may be the latter so your influence on the young couple can be impactful and timeless. Good fathers-in-law are supportive and this can be in a form of advice, emotional support and protection. Because of the perceived openness of their relationship even though it is not explicitly stated in the Bible, Jethro offered advice to his son-in-law Moses and it was well received. Fathers-in-law earn this unusual influence on their sons-in-law by first working on their relationship. Another vital role played by fathers-in-law, which cannot be overemphasized, is that they have a unique skill of reining in overbearing mothers-in-law (their wives).

Protecting

This function is imperative in protecting relationships and promoting sanity in families. Only a foolish man will allow anyone in his family to run rampage and distort relationships among his loved ones; remember the success of your child’s marriage is your crown. Hence a good father in-law will always shield his son/daughter-in-law from toxic family politics and squabbles. That is part of the protection responsibilities fathers carry for their children. Be the father-in-law you wish your own biological son could have when he comes of age and gets married. Lastly, I want to sound that your daughter and son-in-law need your blessing as a father-in-law and this blessing will open doors for children to be the best they can be. And this blessing is so sacred that your son-in-law needs to know that he needs to earn it by respect and unconditional love for your daughter. Only level-headed young men who have the right ambition for a brighter future for their families attract the blessing of the fathers-in-law. God bless you! Please send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz   

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