AVOIDING DIVORCE: BE GOOD TO IN-LAWS

Having shared some few insights on being a supportive mother and father-in-law for the past couple of weeks, allow me to conclude this segment by focusing my talk on married couples.

One may wonder why we trouble ourselves and talk about in-laws; this is because unlike friend relationships, family bonds tend to be much stronger and we all know that we marry into families. We, therefore, find it necessary to help all parties involved in shifting a misconstrued perspective of in-laws, whether it is father/mother-in-law or son/daughter-in-law. Some in-laws have a perceived outlook on their son or daughter-in-law and hence, project a certain attitude towards them. I shared examples of good relationships with in-laws from Holy Scriptures; Moses and his father-in-law Jethro, Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi.

The intention was to gleam on these relationships and pick lessons on how we can improve our relationships with our in-laws. All of this is meant to help married couples enjoy holy matrimony, as well as avoid in-laws being the reason why their union failed; instead support their lifetime union. This takes a lot of effort from all parties involved, hence today I want to caution the son/daughter-in-law.

It is important to acknowledge that you both have been brought up differently in your parental families and now those unique value systems must be merged into one. That alone brings a lot of pressure because what was valued in one family might not be so in the other. Acknowledging that you come from different upbringing settings will help you assist and perhaps protect your wife or husband from your parents, siblings and relatives. Don’t put pressure on your spouse to seamlessly graft him/herself into your family, just because you have a perception that ‘we are a nice family’.

Challenge

While I challenge married spouses to work harder at soliciting good relations with their in-laws, we must also be aware that it is a two-way street and it might not be immediate. This is simply because it is not a natural relationship, yet the expectation to accept and love follows that of a natural relationship. Everyone wishes to see our spouse getting along with our parents and siblings, but we need to be cautious not to rush this process. The mere fact that we are from different families and differing value systems presents a challenge and, therefore, we need to be patient with each other. Before I perhaps focus more on things to consider in establishing good relations with your in-laws; let me start by dealing with this misconception that we pastors encourage children to abandon their parents when we talk about leaving and cleaving.

Each adult child has a responsibility over his/her parents, to care and support them, particularly if they are unable to do so themselves. This has nothing to do with whether that parent was there or not in raising you. I will not delve much into this matter as it may derail us. The backdrop of leaving and cleaving leans more on cutting ties with regard to cultures and traditions to enable the two to establish a new home with a unique family culture and traditions. Leaving in its literal meaning does not suggest abandonment. I know it may be true in some families, where the feeling is more of being abandoned, but in its truest sense, leaving is not the same as abandoning.

We encourage new marriages to create that distance between them and their families to help limit the influence of either family, but that does not negate the responsibility to care and support parents and vulnerable siblings. And here the responsibility is to care for both sets of parents not just the groom’s family. Remember we said you are not losing a daughter or son but gaining one and that gain must also be felt in terms of material support. 

The daughter-in-law must show respect to her in-laws to earn their respect as well. Respect is one commodity you have to give away in order to earn. Respect your mother-in-law, don’t be condescending towards her, proving that you were the chosen one. You might have heard rumours and stories about her, but you are not there as a journalist to confirm or investigate what you have heard - give her the benefit of the doubt. Respect your mother-in-law as an elderly person, as well as the mother of your husband. When your husband sees the honour and respect you give to his mother, it settles any doubts in his mind and his contentment is complete.

Respect

When respect is reciprocated, it formulates a strong base for building a formidable relationship. Your mother-in-law will set the tone for all her children to show you some respect and will protect you from vicious family members. Respect can be demonstrated in many ways including dressing appropriately, serving your in-laws as well as supporting them. To the son-in-law don’t make your in-laws feel they have lost someone in their family; show support and respect to your in-laws. Your wife could have been a breadwinner in her family, be well aware of the situation, take interest and be supportive.

The support you give to your wife’s family makes her feel secure in you. Establishing a good relationship with your in-laws is a key factor in maintaining a happy marriage. Research has shown that, in marriages where the husband has a close relationship with his wife’s parents, the risk of divorce decreased by 20 per cent. In most cases you do not have to do much, but the simple gestures of thoughtfulness are so impactful. God Bless you! Please send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz        

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