THE TOGETHERNESS TOOLKIT II

LAST week we highlighted three essentials to possess for building togetherness in your marriage. We shared that couples who will enjoy togetherness in their marriages are those who carve out opportunities for the two to spend quality time together.

Secondly, we said husband and wife must always show genuine interest in each other and seek to please the other, and thirdly, focus on your strengths than your weaknesses.

Today I wish to continue unpacking the togetherness toolkit. Glenda Cloud says, “Change is inevitable, but growth is intentional.” Building togetherness also requires that you both keep growing as a couple. As Glenda stated, this needs to be planned and will largely depend on the resolve and determination of both. A healthy couple relationship is one in which both individuals keep growing, learning and re-learning.

It is important that each must be self-motivated and keep reaching towards their own areas of interest but also nurture the marriage through growing together. Be the best cheerleader for your spouse in order for them to acquire new skills and where possible, do it together, like planning a physical workout to improve your health and well-being; anything that could be mutually enjoyable and would enrich your conversations together.

Sharing

Couples who do not grow together often have difficulties in sharing common interests because they are at odds with each other’s development. Growing and developing together means that you are in sync with each other, intellectually and emotionally. Keep track of your growth by setting goals for the relationship and keep track of them. Growing a relationship is like anything else of value, you need to plan, set goals, work, and review.

The beauty and benefits thereof are unmatched. Another imperative essential in building togetherness is having a common set of friends.
A few weeks ago, I shared on the role and importance of couple friendships – I mentioned that couple friendships can be a pathway to reignite feelings of passionate love in romantic relationships that tend to fade over time. Friends reinforce togetherness because for any friendship to be regarded as active, those involved must spend time together.

Enriched

Your togetherness will also be enriched if you seek out couple friendships that you can share. One cannot downplay the impact friendships can have on the quality of our lives. Top of the priority should be couple friendships that you both enjoy. Having common couple friends is glue to any relationship and builds a bond of support for the couples involved. With the right set of couple friends, planning and enjoying adventures together will be a common feature in your relationship and the returns are priceless.

Life is stressful as it is, with the daily nitty-gritties and having couple friendships can be such a stress-reliever. Couple friendships can enhance your togetherness within the community environment as they bring and increase the circle and sense of responsibility between husband and wife. When we spend time with couple friends, we get to invest in both our marriage and our friendships at the same time.

The people we spend time with most often shape our marriage and lives the most. So, be sure to choose your couple friends wisely. Another tool in the ‘Togetherness Toolkit’ I wish to share is, share life together - be intentional about sharing life together. Share the tangible things of life but also share the inner spaces of your thoughts, feelings, faith and fears. Sharing tangible things is much easier as it is the expectation of the community and extended family, however, sharing inner spaces is not so common in many marriages.

Sharing your thoughts with your spouse eliminates ambiguity and the temptation to suppose what your spouse is processing. In marriage it is imperative to be expressive and communicate intrinsic and extrinsic motivated thoughts. As I have already mentioned, this must be intentional. Both must be willing to engage with each other and not be afraid.  Not only are couples supposed to share thoughts but feelings as well. It is perhaps much easier to share your thoughts, the intellectual information that is in your brain, than your feelings.

Emotional

Sharing the depth of your feelings that are in your heart takes emotional risk and courage. This makes you feel exposed and vulnerable, but it is the very thing that will create closeness and connection in your marriage. By sharing what is in your heart with your spouse, you can achieve deeper intimacy. Share your feelings with each other daily.

You do not have to have deep, serious conversations about your relationship daily, but you do have to share your feelings about what is going on with you on a day to day basis. Saying you were ‘late for a meeting’ gives the basic information only. But saying you ‘felt embarrassed about being late for a meeting’ helps you connect to the person you are speaking with! This needs to be a reciprocal process. You both must share on an intimate level with each other; it cannot just be one of you.

To be successful at sharing your feelings you need to be open, honest, willing to make time for each other, and receptive to these talks. Sharing your feelings reveals your faith and fears which, if not attended to mutually, can open a path for couples to grow apart and lead to a dissatisfied marital life. To encourage this heart-to-heart sharing between husband and wife, do not trivialize what each shares, be it thoughts, feelings, fears or faiths.

The benefits of this kind of sharing are endless including keeping conflicts from escalating; preventing resentfulness that we marriage officers hear about in post marital counselling; it helps your spouse to feel empathy and walk in your shoes. Join me again next week as we continue to unpack this toolkit! Send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz

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