TOGETHERNESS TOOLKIT III

We have already discussed about six tools that can help transform the way you relate with your spouse and foster togetherness in your relationship.

We shared that spending quality time together as a couple will enhance togetherness; we also emphasized that husband and wife must show genuine interest in each other and seek to please the other. We encouraged spouses to focus more on their strengths than weaknesses. Last week we shared the importance of growing together because change is inevitable, when one prepares for change then the prospects of managing that change increase. We also highlighted the importance of having a common set of friends.

Do not underestimate the power of association, the Bible says ‘do not be fooled, bad company corrupts good character’. Kenneth G Ortiz, a producer and song writer, further says; “Be wary of the company you keep for they are a reflection of who you are, or who you want to be.” Having common friends narrows down the pool of friends and helps in speeding up the process of having good friends, who deposit good things into your marriage. We ended by drawing emphasis on the importance of sharing life together. We said ‘be intentional and share both the tangible and intangible things of life including inner spaces of your thoughts, feelings, faith and fears’.

Married couples can benefit more in building togetherness by habitually engaging in random acts of kindness. The Oxford dictionary defines kindness as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Looking at this definition and matching it to the environment in which we live, where there is a disconnection of private and public lives - many people find it easy to show kindness to distant people than to people close to them.

Kindness

Some husbands might find it easy to help a stranger involved in a mishap and not extend the same kindness to their wives if they were to be involved in a similar mishap. In such cases, these husbands expect a high standard of awareness from their wives, who they think should have been the wiser than to perform such a ‘foolish act’. Many couples are not aware how much of an impact being kind to each other has in solidifying the marital relationship. An independent research done in the USA revealed that kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood and validated or feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.” That is how kindness works too.

The study showed overwhelming evidence that the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship. Both then engage in a tug-of-war of kindness, and what a pleasant thing to witness between husband and wife. A writer named Emily Smith quipped that ‘there are two ways to think about kindness, as a fixed trait: either you have it or you do not, or you could think of kindness as a muscle’. She further says, in some people, muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. I concur and wish to say no one is born kind, but we learn kindness - it is for this reason that I think kindness is more of a muscle than it is a trait. If that is the case then, for every muscle to grow and be in shape, regular exercise is paramount. This means that kindness needs to be practiced at home so much that it becomes second nature. Practice it even when there is a conflict - when everything in you says retaliate.

In actual fact, kindness practiced during a conflict tends to be more impactful and demonstrates that you are choosing your spouse over the conflict. Kindness is shown in words and actions and both must be in sync, you cannot utter kind words and accompany them with cruel actions – that is not kindness but manipulation. My encouragement to you is to practice kindness every day, do not wait for his/her birthday to shower him/her with your kindness; do not wait for your wedding anniversary to be kind to each other. Your random acts of kindness communicate that you love and care, not just on special days, but your love knows no limits.

Marriages are strengthened when both members of a couple treat each other kindly; with love and understanding and with dignity and respect. Kindness is evident when a person puts the needs of his or her spouse first, acting on what will please or help the other most, and not on self-interest. By never being rude or abusive to your spouse in any way, you build a relationship of mutual trust and respect. A marriage based upon compassionate and caring thoughts, words and actions, a marriage based on kindness - will be a generous relationship, with both husband and wife sharing freely all that they have with each other, with their children and with the larger society. This is a depiction of healthy, happy and strong marriages. Let me end by echoing Amy van Veen’s words that kindness sustains - when kindness becomes so ingrained in everything we do; it has the power to sustain. Many marriages are cut short today because husbands and wives have neglected kindness; the quality to be thoughtful and considerate. God bless you.

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