WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE

We often think that marriage is a bed of roses and are taken away by the fairytale words ‘and they lived happily ever after’.

This phrase is common in many romantic movies where the portrayal of husband and wife suggests that now that the two are joined in holy matrimony, their troubled days are behind. Unfortunately, this creates a naïve mindset towards marriage and unrealistic expectations that suddenly, all relationship problems will magically vanish in the bliss of love. This is far from the truth, marriage needs to be worked at to produce satisfying results for both parties.

Living happily ever after calls for the husband to diligently discharge his responsibilities without waiting for his wife to do her part. This is also true for the wife. Often in marriage the husband or wife is not able to discharge his or her responsibilities because the other partner has not done A, B and C. When you exchanged marriage vows you did not attach any conditions; you each voluntarily promised undying love which will manifest through certain specific actions.

Sealed

It is interesting that weddings are sealed by these many promises which are to be accompanied by daily actions in the marriage. This can be equated to a job description which you annex your signature to as a sign of commitment. Like any job description it is more than just words, otherwise you will lose that job if no actions are taken to fulfill the written words – marriage requires the same attitude. Both husband and wife need to roll their sleeves and work at it. No one party should do it, but both. If only one is committed to working at it and the other has a laisser-faire attitude, then frustration and dissatisfaction is inevitable.

Work at your marriage to obtain the results you anticipated to get as a married man/woman. This I say because marriage can be so fulfilling in your life journey if both parties work at it. I wish to anchor my talk specifically on working on your friendship as husband and wife. Friendship is a basis of any successful relationship because it can adequately meet our human need for companionship. It was God who firstly attested that it is not good for man to be alone – mankind needs company to survive. Furthermore, mankind needs the right company to thrive, bad company spoils good character. Working to improve your friendship as a married couple will not only help you to survive in marriage but to thrive as well. The power of this friendship is often underrated because of cultural undertones, yet it can be the difference between enduring and enjoying marital life.

Friends

Our cultural context will subconsciously suggest that it is not advisable to be friends with your spouse - particularly as a husband you are not to befriend your wife and pour out your heart to her, because if she knows too much she might behave in an unbecoming manner. Unfortunately, this mindset has led many men to feel isolated and lonely even in the company of their wives. Hence, most seek other avenues to fulfill that need for companionship – it is common to find an overwhelming majority of men in football stadiums, beer halls and working late.
Friendship requires that the couple spends time together to enhance understanding and bonding. When husband and wife cultivate friendship in their marriage, they will find every excuse under the sun to spend time together - it does not matter the occasion, but as long as they are together is all that matters. When understanding is fostered, conflicts are minimised, and both will avoid things that could compromise harmony in the home.

Friendship requires that the couple talks about everything, the good and the bad – there are no secrets. This is one of the areas where most men find themselves inadequate, yet for understanding to be a reality, men need to verbalise their thoughts and intentions. When was the last time you had a complete conversation with your wife? Whether it was small talk or a serious matter? Friends talk and talking is good for your heart as well.

Reason

Married men do not have a reason to bottle issues within themselves when they have wives; share with your wife, yes it might be embarrassing, but if she is wise, she will comfort you. Let me also challenge wives to create a conducive atmosphere for your husband to talk with you and not weaponise your husband’s words and use them against him. If you are in a habit of twisting his words and using them for self-interest, you are inevitably killing friendship in your home. On the other hand, if you take time to listen to your husband, listening with an intention to understand him – you will reap the benefits of good friendship and also ease your husband’s stress levels. I am emphasising on the husbands talking because wives normally do not have problems with talking.  Work on your friendship as husband and wife, you will not have a dull moment in your marriage, instead you will improve the way to relate with each other daily. Friendship is key, many people pulled through challenges because they had the right friends besides them. It requires work; let us not tire to work at it! Send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz

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