SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE FAMILY

We are living in, perhaps, one of the most morally deprived times of human history since the times of Noah, when God resorted to wipe out humanity with the flood because of the evil in the face of the earth.

In our world today, sexual immorality and abuse are rampant. The alarming incest rape statistics reported daily, weekly and monthly are an indication of a world that has lost its moral compass. Eswatini is no different, sexual violation in the country is at an all-time high. The worst part of it all is that the problem is not far away from home – the perpetrators are close relatives of the survivors. This makes it difficult for the survivors who must face their abusers daily and are more likely to be repeatedly raped until they sum up enough courage to report in the hope that they would be believed.

Today, I wish to share a few thoughts on this tragic societal illness, particularly looking at supporting an incest rape survivor. Rape is such a terrible tragedy to befall anyone, male or female, but because of lack of proximity between perpetrator and survivor, it is unlikely to be a repeated occurrence. However, when it comes to incest rape, the family context tends to trap the survivor and expose them to repeated rape episodes. Even if there is consent, incest is an abomination before the eyes of our Creator – the thought of having sexual relations with your blood relative should make you feel sick to your stomach.

If you have such thoughts, do not act on them, they are from the evil one and nothing good can come out of that act. However, as mentioned, statistics show that a good number of fathers, uncles and siblings (brothers) are unable to edge-out these thoughts. Many violently act on such thoughts and force themselves on their daughters, nieces and sisters. We only know a tip of the damage caused to those innocent children, otherwise, the consequence is far reaching and alters bright futures forever. My message to those perpetrators and enablers, whether male or female, is that because you have shown hostility to those who are helpless and dependent on you for survival, God will judge you and the law of the land must show no mercy towards you.

Survivors

The main focus of my talk will be on the survivors of incest rape and how best they can be supported in the family. First and foremost is that families must have an open-door policy where every member of the family must freely express himself or herself – freely express joys and pains, excitements and disappointments, laughter and tears, fears and aspirations. Having such a platform of honest conversations is only the beginning and will certainly encourage children to be more expressive. The second thing is that parents and guardians must have a propensity to believe their children. Children are blessed with an ability to sense if they are trusted or not and when they sense they are not likely to be believed, they rarely open-up and share some of these tragic episodes in their young lives. The worst part about incest rape is that they are violated by people who are supposed to protect them. Listen to your children, give them your undivided attention, even when they point-out that the perpetrator is a member of the family, do not express disbelief. Expressing disbelief can cause your child to shut down, exposing them to further psychological damage. Naturally, you will be disappointed, but that disappointment must not be expressed as disbelief.

Identify

Thirdly, sympathise and empathise with the survivor, s/he must feel that you identify with his/her pain. This is important in helping the survivor come to terms with what has happened to them and perhaps have the right perspective about the abnormality of the experience. Sexual violation is not normal, and our children need to know that truth. Perhaps the next natural step is to seek help for the survivor, this can be through professional counselling and support to deal with the mental effects of the rape. Effectively address the psychological impact of the rape as failure to do so potentially impede the ability of the child to retain normalcy.

Part of the healing is pursuing justice for the survivor, which is where it becomes tricky for everyone, because both the perpetrator and survivor are members of the family, worse if the perpetrator is the breadwinner. The moment we think of the potential financial gain we will lose when pursuing justice, we become subjective in our rationale and are susceptible to sacrificing the well-being of the survivor.  Keeping the matter under wraps will not only embolden the perpetrator, but subject the survivor to repeated rape, thus condemning him or her to a life of misery. The irony of this posture taken by most families is that incest rape is normalised in the family and is likely to recur with a different set of perpetrator and survivor. Moreover, breadwinner or not, death is imminent and is no respecter of any status, therefore, whether we try to control the situation now, God is ultimately in control.

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