FATHERHOOD III

Fatherhood in the 21st Century can be an insurmountable challenge for many men in our society.

This emanates from generational gaps and sharp changes in the outlook of life. So different is the viewpoint, that many fathers are appalled by the pushback they often experience when engaging their children. The truth is, this generation is different, they may not be as ambitious as previous generations, but they are practical and realistic in their approach. The children we have today are inquisitive and have no time for half responses from parents as the internet is readily available for more complete responses. Today’s parents need to adapt and adjust their approach when engaging with children of this generation, otherwise, it is easy to misunderstand each other and hence miss out on opportunities to influence.

To be a relevant father in the era we are living in, needs one to be a good listener. In most times, all that our children want, is to be listened to, to know that they are heard by their parents (fathers). To be listened to is a sign that you care, at least that is the interpretation most of our children hold. The moment they feel they are not listened to, their conclusion is that no one cares and unfortunately that leads to shutdown, which is construed as rebellion. I wish to challenge all fathers, do not just listen to your children, but be good listeners. This means that as a father you hear even what has not been said but implied by the conversation and other optics. It is important to note that in communication, it is not only words that make a conversation – good listeners are able to also pick up the attitude and demeaner of the communicator. This is an important skill to master as your children might make expressions which are not in sync with their words. It becomes imperative, therefore, to untangle the true meaning from that mix bag. It will certainly be difficult to make the difference in attitude if the father does not know their children intimately. The attitude and demeanour often carry more weight than just the words.  

Conversation

As you are listening to your child, be mindful of the attitude, otherwise you will miss the conversation if you ignore this rather important element of the conversation. Being a good listener also entails that you endeavour to listen for understanding than just listening to respond. As parents we are prone to cut short our children when they converse because we think we know best all the time. Cutting people when conversing is revealing of bad communication habits, and this stifles conversation. When we cut our children short, we unfortunately communicate to them that they do not matter, and they feel disregarded. To be a relevant father means that you listen to understand, allow your child to speak until s/he finishes. By doing this, you will not only gain understanding but teach your child good manners and respect. The intention of communication is to establish understanding – take time as the father to listen to your daughter or son, do not rush them even if you have a sense of where the conversation is going. Your child is craving for your ears and attention. Being a good listener means you are not just a passive listener but rather an active listener. Far too many of us view listening as a passive act, yet in reality, listening is active. When active, it means that you are present, using your mind to process what is being discussed, applying yourself mentally.

Attention

Do not be absent minded and disengaged when you are in conversation with your child, let your child feel s/he has your undivided attention. When listening is active, it also means you keep reasonable eye contact – eyes are a window to the soul. Eyes keep you connected and help in noticing the non-verbal elements of communication. Looking adults in the eye is deemed disrespectful in many world cultures, however conversations where there is no eye contact, lack connectivity. Listening must be active to be meaningful. Being a good listener means that you remove disruptive elements that can potentially obstruct communication. Depending on the nature of the conversation, objects like radio, TV and mobile phone can potentially impede listening to an important conversation, if they are not switched off. Removing these items speaks louder than words and echoes ‘my father cares about my thoughts and feelings’.

Certainly, it takes more than listening to be a relevant father in this era, however this is one skill that when mastered, many of the challenges of parenthood are half solved – children just want to be heard. Learn to listen to their dreams and aspirations, their feelings and insecurities, their fears and failures, their perceptions and perspective and how they really see it. We might not agree with their viewpoint, but we must not trivialise it and override it. Good listening skills take time to be harnessed and a lot of deliberate action from that individual. Fathers who will have meaningful relationships with their children are those who will invest in improving their listening skills. 

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