IT’S A CRYING SHAME

HOW often have you heard the expression: ‘I’ts a crying shame?’ A typical example is: ‘It’s a crying shame that Sipho missed the train that day.’ We all understand what it is intended to mean. But the expression originally meant otherwise. The crying was more shouting and imposing shame upon someone; loud and vigorous disapproval for some unacceptable behaviour. It seems to have been used for about two hundred years, up to the 1800s, with the true meaning going out of fashion. Then the expression itself stayed on quite happily. We certainly will not be crying about it (lol).

Crying

But this is not an article about the complexity of the English Language. It is about the act of crying. One conspicuous feature is that there is an age and gender significance. Well, the act of crying has been proved to help babies breathe and sleep better. Even when older – say, for the first 10 years or so - a child will cry vigorously, emotionally, and with tears when physically hurt. At that age, crying in a highly emotional state, and with the accompanying tears, is an entirely natural response to pain. It even releases endorphins, the feel-good chemicals into the brain to ease physical and emotional pain. However,  the adult harbours no similar mechanism whatsoever, that emulates the cries and tears of a child in the same situation of physical pain. When seriously hurt, the adult will gasp or moan. They will even scream when the pain is intense.

But no tears flow, other than those from sheer effort. Something happens during the growth years that leads to a migration out of crying with emotional tears as the spontaneous reaction to pain. Poor old Ma and Pa do not then get a chance with the endorphins; shame. One cannot help wondering when that transition happens. Since it appears to be an entirely natural transition from crying with emotional tears to screaming without them, it must surely happen at a certain phase, just like the age zone when a child moves into adolescence. Similarly, a child will react to loneliness and mild depression with tears. That does not happen with adults who tend to simply, and quietly, withdraw when in that state of mind.

Achievement

Yet adults do cry; but in joy for a very successful achievement by a close relative, or in extreme empathy for a person who has experienced a tragic incident. Up until recent times – and it varies among the different cultures in the world – only women would cry in such circumstances. Or at least be tolerated for doing so. It was generally considered that ‘real’ men do not cry.  This, of course, is an atavistic (sorry, I just enjoy that word) or outdated distinction, limiting tears of joy and grief to women only. In this modern age of gender equality, for most of the enlightened nations of the world, it makes no sense.

Since it has been mentioned that crying among adults – now for men as well as women - is a reaction to both sadness and joy, is it not remarkable that the two opposite emotions can work identically through the human brain and produce the same output?  The explanation is that it is simply extremes of emotion, that give rise to that kind of crying. The mind is so frazzled by this intense neurological reaction that it generates the extreme behaviour.

There are certain situations where the neurological reaction becomes especially powerful, and the individual reacts more extremely than normal. This can be when your life is immersed in conflict, especially in an unhappy marriage. You might also find yourself deeply stressed, through the pressures of work or dehydrated from heavy labour in very hot weather. One example, and conspicuous in this respect with empirical evidence, is when you are on an aircraft and up at 10 000 metres. Clearly the stress of travel is a factor. But scientists add that reduced oxygen levels at high altitude and cabin pressure lower oxygen levels in the cabin. This leads to dehydration and can impact n a passenger’s mood, induce fatigue, and make them more susceptible to intense emotional shifts.

Overcome

In practice, of course, adults rarely give vent in public to audible crying with the accompanying flood of tears. Usually, it is the halfway house where we feel almost overcome by the exhilaration, anger, grief or other intensely felt emotions, but not wishing to disturb the peace or avoiding embarrassment. That is when we choke up. If we do not choke up when, for example, recounting the story of a thoroughly decent friend out on a bike ride getting mown down by some crazy driver, swerving on to the hard shoulder, then we need an emotional check-up.

It is important to accept that not only should we empathise with a woman crying when in a state of distress, but we should acknowledge that, in a modern sophisticated society, when a man cries it is not a sign of unmanliness. Indeed, as society elevates the general level of emotional intelligence, unmanliness is far more starkly evident in the violence and sexual abuse imposed by men on women and children. I say it again: Real men do not abuse women and children in any way at all. An adult male who violates that code is nothing but a coward. Can we please hear our leaders repeating that at the tops of their voices?

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