ROUND IS FASTER

If you want to savour the delights of highly creative humour of the traditional style – not the silly stuff that’s included in some of the popular podcasts of today – look no further than Peter Cook and Barry Humphries.

I had been convinced they could never be called to the other world. We would miss them too much. Sadly, both are gone. Perhaps they are enjoying a richly deserved welcome from their Maker. In one of Peter Cook’s sketches he argued determinedly that he’d identified the earliest inventor of that amazing round object that has permitted such pace to be achieved on the ground and in all manner of means. He claimed that the very first one invented was called the ‘vandanblatherstiddle’ but, anticipating the future difficulties such as, ‘please re-align my vandanbladderstiddles’, a nearby inventor elbowed in the following day with an identical product that was called the ‘wheel’.

Remarkable

The wheel then embarked upon a truly remarkable life in human society through the ages and found itself one day as the humble co-component  in a marvellous piece of machinery known as the bicycle.  I write this today in dedication to a victim of a fatal incident when enjoying one of the great pleasures and fitness contributors of the present age. Dr Malvern Masango was a Zimbabwean, serving as a medical practitioner in Eswatini and recently killed on the road when riding his bike.

The incident is sub judice so I cannot comment further, other than to join the many who are saying - Dr Masango, may you rest in peace. In celebration of his life, together with all fellow cyclists, I offer some light-hearted words while in the spirit of dedication to the good man.  It’s all about the ‘dandy horse’. Two hundred years is a long time. Less so in terms of how people speak and their general standards of etiquette and social behaviour. But, in terms of technological innovation, 1824 is as far back as the Stone Age, millions of years ago.

Can you imagine that early precursor to the bicycle, the first of its kind to hit society? Invented by two Germans, Baron Karl Drais and Otto Schillinger, it was the first human-powered vehicle that utilised two wheels. Their wooden design was named the ‘Laufmaschine’ (translated from German as ‘running machine’), and they obtained a patent in January of 1818. Do you think that’s expired by now?  

Difficult

This pioneering version of the modern bike was simply two wheels connected by a frame. No pedals, chains, and gears, and riders would simply use their feet to propel it forward. It may be difficult to visualise any gain to be obtained from this device. Without the chain and pedals as drivers, the drawings of that machine give the impression it must have been rather uncomfortable. The rider might just as well run. But, with a sitting opportunity in the form of a thin piece connecting the two wheels, you would at least get the luxury of the free-wheeling down an incline and some degree of assistance when leaning on the handlebars and elevating yourself slightly. Ever done a bit of that when returning the shopping trolley to its rightful home?

In England, the costly device was mostly ridden by nobles. Riders were frequently ridiculed, and the device was nicknamed a ‘dandy horse’. Quite the talk in the affluent circles of the time, the bicycle became the vélocipède or draisienne, (for the French people) and then a pedestrian curricle; even the swiftwalker. They never lacked creative thinking in those days. It was also called a hobby horse which is a little confusing since that normally refers to a preoccupation with a favourite topic. You have strong feelings about it and talk about it whenever the opportunity arises. Synonyms might be: pet subject, obsession, preoccupation, and fixation. Anyway … enough of the lecture.The first modern bicycle that used the rotary crank, drive chain and pedals appeared on the market around in 1860s. Even though it was again made of wood and would shake the users violently (its nickname was the ‘boneshaker’) it consigned the dandy-horse to history. Over the next two hundred years human society – well, the clever members thereof – added a very handy device that enabled us to dispense with the dandy-horse and spare the legs.

Rumoured

The owner could actually sit in it and eat his breakfast at the same time, though that is illegal, depending of course on the content of the meal. A tasty little roll harms no one, but a knife and fork job is definitely off limits. It is rumoured in the world left by Peter Cook that this remarkable invention was called the ‘smokyairbangbang’ but someone nipped in quickly the following day and called it the ‘motor car’.

Unlike its two-wheel predecessor, the motor car became a domineering member of future society. In your growing years the dream of a happy and fruitful life ahead with a rewarding career, family and home to match may have been dwarfed into insignificance by the desire to one day own a four-wheeler like a Bentley or Maserati. Whatever vehicle you ultimately drove, the way you did so would also define your broader behaviour as a human being. You are how you drive. The gracious and considerate, the impatient and selfish are all seen as such when behind the fifth wheel.

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