Home | Feature | SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD?

SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD?

Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font


The children in Eswatini today will be almost the entire liSwati society of tomorrow. Unless, of course, those entrusted with attracting tourism investment to this country can incentivise the outside world to invest in the tourism potential that lies within Eswatini. Then half of the investors and the resultant tourists will want to live here as well, bringing their kids with them. But that will not happen while the inertia threatens to prolong the biggest wasted economic opportunity of our time. Anyone listening? Anyway…back to the kids. Among parents, there should be a unanimous view that our role in the nurture and development of our offspring is of enormous significance and impact. This is not the first opinion article on the subject and won’t be the last. Continuing to review our perspective in a thought-provoking manner, as time and society styles go by, can only be healthy.

Contributed

A large part of a child’s youthful years is spent at school, where much is contributed to a child’s development.  I won’t go into the whats and whys of that subject. It’s important enough to justify separate articles. But let’s not forget that, given the extent of serious poverty, our children must receive the free school meal each day. Yet that is not being 100 per cent delivered. The massive increase in government revenue from the Southern African Customs Union (SACU) must surely guarantee financing that vital provision for the young liSwati society. Where failure arises, then the community leaders and parliamentarians should be applying the necessary pressure. Feeding our kids is right among the top national priorities. The home life of a child is still the most influential setting in character development. Let’s start with emphasising how vital is the two-parent family. Enough said, for the time being. Then allow me to present one version among the broad categories of parenting. Ever heard of the term ‘gentle parenting?’ It’s a generally accepted concept but widely misunderstood, and certainly not one where children are allowed to do as they please, such as wild unruly behaviour in public, ignoring the pleas of the parents.

Adopts

At the other end of the spectrum, you have the ‘severe parenting’ which adopts the concept of ‘if you spare the rod, then you spoil the child.’ The child is frequently beaten for failures and misdemeanours.  I am strongly against that. In my youth, that was the order of the day, and you grew up in a climate of military-style obedience and emotional detachment – all my friends had the same treatment – which could give rise to resentment and retaliation. It certainly did in my case (but RIP, dad). The available free time often became an escape into mischievous behaviour rather than an opportunity to exploit freedom productively. But I did manage to stay out of jail (lol).  I myself have never struck a child (nor a woman for that matter). Here endeth the autobiography.

Finding the middle ground is the ideal approach. That’s where the gentle parenting comes in but often, unfortunately, mistaken for what is known as permissive or indulgent parenting where the parent slides into careless supervision of child behaviour or simply never says ‘no!’ A structure of behaviour in the parental approach is vital, as well as the need for the parents to ensure compliance with the rules. The essence of gentle parenting appears to be establishing a strong link with one’s child through mutual respect and understanding, but underpinned by rules and expectations, and discipline that’s appropriate to the age of the child. “You must never talk to a stranger without being with a parent,” is a vital discipline for a ten-year-old but a joke when imposed on a seventeen-year-old. The optimum scenario can thus be where a childhood of gentle parenting merges seamlessly into an adult friendship with parents.

Upbringing

Gentle parenting should be conspicuous for its lack of rigidity. The upbringing of a child should be responsive to personality, skills and collaborative spirit. The parent ‘cuts the suit according to the cloth.’ One size does not fit all.  And that’s where active parenting steps in, identifying and nurturing as appropriate. It is a full-time job, though not one demanding continuous physical attendance. Gentle parenting aims to impose the discipline in a more empathetic and collaborative manner than the heavy-handed way so often encountered. It argues for leading by example but recognising that no one is perfect, and losing one’s temper and shouting do not equal failure. Though there’s nothing wrong with apologising later, or even voicing an understanding of how the child might be feeling when chastised; but still required to conform with what is right. One study argued that this strengthens the emotional bond between parent and child. Examples of the penalties? Financial and other restrictions and especially a reduction in screen time in this day and age of youth devotion to the media in all shapes and sizes.

At its core, gentle parenting – kind or considerate parenting might be better terms - is a way to help your child feel understood, valued and respected. That then contributes significantly to the adult inter-personal skills we would ultimately want for our children; and replicating the same features of parenting when their time comes. In the present day, the diminution in the dictator style of parenting is allowing for a more empathetic link with children. Very much like the modern style with relationships in marriage. The right way, but with perhaps more challenges. And in neither context is beating the answer.



Comments (0 posted):

Post your comment comment

Please enter the code you see in the image:

: EARLY PAY
Is early pay good in December?