Loving someone's lover? It's not personal

One of those modern moral dilemmas raised its head this week. Like, whether it’s impolite to buy someone deodorant or toothpaste as an impromptu present.

Or if it’s polite to walk straight past a secret lover at a public place.

The most recent modern poser involved the case of a woman on the verge of being mobbed to death, together with her lover. Her husband, whom she says had deserted her for over five years, got wind that she was getting it on with someone else, and then arranged a mob to encircle the house.

Husband-type-thing, in the company of a knobkerrie-wielding mob, found the lovers inside the house – in all likelihood, making out, although that detail was not confirmed – and threatened him for "stealing a wife". The man is now facing a kraal court case, and a possible fine. Interestingly, the woman publicly dismissed the husband but said she was in love with her lover.

The moral dilemma the case raises is twofold. The first regards the very nature of marriage. Personally – and I feel I cannot be alone in this – marriage is not just having five children together. Nor is it the act of staying together just because you have done so for many years, even when the love is gone. Love should be the main factor.

And the lack of it, among other things, will drive a husband out to live with someone else who isn’t in love with their husbands anymore. Love is as necessary a utility to civilised human existence as electricity, and Pick ‘n Pay.

We need love in every inch of this country. It’s amazing that we haven’t already sorted out this relatively small matter.

However, while we wait for Swazis to wholly love each other, polygamy notwithstanding, we should, then, be grateful for any stop-gap measure made by individuals.

Really, everyone should make their love felt in the world and, in turn, feel a bit of love. It’s a borderline societal duty. Every square foot of this country that has a love connection is both cleverer and happier than anywhere that hasn’t.

Being constantly in real love relationships is the next stage in human evolution. It’s an emotional resource we all need. And need not have to store in our heads with all the pasts. Life is too short to go around trying dig up dirt on the person we fancy on the street.

It’s not like we are designed to handle the truth anyway. As a species, we thrive on ignorance. And better still, as my boyfriend-type-thing would put it, we thrive on stupidity. And we do all these things not because we’re genuinely unaware of what else could be on the other side, but because we genuinely do not want to know.

The truth hurts – millions of songs keep banging that into our heads.

We blatantly refuse to listen to our conscience, which, by the way, is designed to offer a detailed answer to almost anything in seconds. But we sabotage the knowledge everyday. We light up, even though we know it’ll kill us, ready to answer anyone reminding us of the risks with a cheeky "if the two thirds of non-smokers become immortal, please sign me up".

We have unprotected sex with the picture of the PSI Choose One Woman made up of people’s names clearly stuck in our heads, wake up the next morning to moan about it to our friends who conveniently tell us to "forgerrraboutit" and go on with life.

So the only solace we get in this life is love. And it doesn’t matter where we get it from, as long as we get it. It allows us to lead a constantly better and more inspired life. In future years, the idea that always feeling in love wasn’t universal will seem absurd – as odd an idea as tap water only available at Tinker’s, or Edgars being available solely at the lone Plaza in Mbabane. But the screaming mortal necessity for feeling love aside, we need to examine the more general concept of being able to "steal" something in the nature of a lover.

Given that piggy-backing onto someone else’s lover (often ex-) doesn’t cost the ‘victim’ a penny, or affect them in any way, should it actually be classified as a crime? Of course, if someone ‘takes’ your lover just so they can spite you, that’s another thing altogether.

But it’s literally another thing altogether – an emotional assault matter. It’s nothing to do with just ‘falling in love’ with someone, who happens to have been once in love with someone else. By the criteria of ‘sleeping with a wife I deserted ages ago for someone else’s ex crime’ you might just as well call the community police to ‘talk’ to someone who sends a child that’s not theirs to the shops. And throw in the cow-fine as well, by way of penance.

Every time we chat to our friends on the phone, clear the bottles from outside our houses, or even warm a bus seat, we are benefitting someone else. Simply, truly, loving really does make the world a notably more pleasant place.

We’re all feeding on each other’s happiness anyway.

So, for the love of society, let us all stop taking things personally. We are all aware of the beauty of forbidden love anyway.

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