Toxic insecurity in relationships

Everyone has insecurities and can often be faced with self- doubt.

However, when you allow those insecurities to run your every emotion, it can ruin your relationships. Not only can it wreck your romantic relationships but your friendships as well. Insecurity can manifest itself in many different forms.

It can take the shape of being jealous of your boyfriend’s pretty female friend or being envious of your friend’s success.

Either way, it is not healthy and needs to be kept in check before it begins to control your life. One of the best things you can do to prevent your insecurities from taking over is to understand exactly what your issue is. Usually there are ‘hot spots’ that can set you off and place you in an irrational state of mind.

A person with insecurities is seen as needy or just plain hard to deal with.　　

This seems to be something that makes being in a relationship hard.

If you have insecurities, it is your responsibility to deal with them and to make sure they do not negatively affect your relationships.　

The problem with this is that by its very nature, insecurity　is a relational issue.　

You cannot have insecurity all by yourself, it is generally about someone else, for instance women feeling insecure about their bodies are worried about how others perceive them because of how deeply our society promotes a specific ideal for beauty.　

The biggest one for people in intimate relationships is insecurities about other men/women.　 People are not born with these insecurities; they develop within either family relationships, friendships or other intimate relationships.

　

Something tells them it is not safe to fully trust other people, even when they really want to.　

Let us say the male partner has been cheated on in the past by an ex-girlfriend and now he sees his current girlfriend hug a male friend. All of his anxiety and insecurities about a past relationship come flooding to the surface.

He starts to feel hurt but at the same time, he really wants to trust her.

Two things can happen at this point: He can try to stuff it by shutting down but she will probably be able to sense his distance and it may cause an argument　later.

Alternatively, he can act on his heightened emotional state and probably freak out on her or the male friend to the point where others watching think there is something wrong with him and they will probably end up arguing about it later.

Both of these options are individualistic ways　of trying to cope with something that is relational.　 In the first, he tries to deal with it within himself and in the second, he tries to deal with it by changing her.　

It is important to note a gender difference in how this gets worked out, depending on whether the insecure person is male or female.　

If it is the male partner, what typically happens is that the female partner tries to accommodate by not doing things that may make him feel insecure, i.e. giving him full access to her phone, email, etc., and trying not to get too close with other men.　

If it is the female partner who is insecure, she is usually told that she is crazy and needs to work on herself and not make her male　partner　pay　for her problems that she brought into the relationship.　

In both of these scenarios, it is the female partner who is the　one　changing to make the relationship better.

This happens so　naturally　that no one even notices the difference.

Jealousy on the other hand is an already much discussed subject on conversations about relationships.

Jealousy is nothing more than a response to the fear of losing the one you love to someone else. Being surrounded by different people, it is possible that one of them might be interesting in your partner.

This may, in your judgment, be a better boyfriend/girlfriend than you are.

Thinking this way, jealousy is a good emotion, because it makes clear how much you care about your partner and are terrified by the idea of losing him/her.

The problem is that most of the times we don’t realize when we’re pushing the boundaries.

When in excess, jealousy can make someone become controlling and suspicious. Once you start to question your partner’s attitudes, you are doubting his/her loyalty.

That is, in fact, an insult to anyone.

If you are with someone, it is because you have feelings for him/her and believe that those feelings are reciprocal.

However, if you are questioning his/her loyalty, you are, simultaneously, questioning those feelings. Trust is, alongside with cultivating, the base of all relationships. If you’re in a relationship where there is no trust, you will always be distressed, thinking about what your partner might be doing. If you are in a relationship that gives you this feeling, get out! The bottom line is that at some point in everyone’s life, comes the opportunity to choose to change to find our authentic self, who we really are.

Your life and your emotional state are too valuable and far too special to be place in the hands of someone else. It maybe that you are unaware of your own unlimited positive potential. Often the first positive step towards change is to wake up to the reality of your situation. This may seem overwhelming and scary but once you decide to step on the path of self-discovery through personal development, you will soon find that your personal success has been there all the time, just waiting for you to catch up!

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