DEAR JACKIE SELEBI

Someone should have told JZ when he pulled strings and let you out of jail that no good deed goes unpunished; I refer, of course, to recent reports in the newspapers which captured you in a photo looking spry and stepping into a luxury car after a bit of grocery shopping.

How embarrassing for the President to have a dead man walking around!
The Boys say that you are a living example of the continuing breakdown of the Rule of Law in South Africa under an increasingly corrupt ANC government. I would not be that harsh, but I must admit I was surprised to see the report, considering that when you were released you were terminally ill and were given only a few months to live.

Clearly, someone neglected to send you that memo.
The Boys go on to claim that you and your comrades are using your connections as a “Get out of jail free” card, citing the curious recovery of Shabir Shaik.
One moment he’s in jail at death’s door, then immediately upon release on medical parole he’s playing golf, assaulting journalists and slapping fellow Muslims at the mosque.

The criticisms against you, however, are unfair. What did they expect you to do? The Boys say the decent thing would have been for you to die!
I think I know your secret and it’s safe with me. You are like the wolverine, aren’t you? I watched the excellent documentary about your fellow mutant with his astonishing powers of recovery from injury. Stab him, shoot him, run him over and his wounds heal within seconds. Your mutant powers are different but not unique. His powers protect him against violence. Your powers, which you share with Shaik, Marwick Khumalo and Bhutana Dlamini, protect you against incarceration. They lock you up - you get sick, they let you out - you get well.

These are useful powers indeed in these days of shadowy organisations such as the Swaziland Revenue Authority, the Anti-Corruption Commission and Standard Bank’s Credit Committee!
I suggest that you and Shaik form an organisation much like the X-Men.
I have it on good authority, though, that Stan Lee, the founder of that reputable scientific journal Marvel Comics (incidentally he’s the same man who discovered mutants such as yourself) has a patent on the name ‘X-Men’, so we can’t call you that. Also, the X-Men are a crime fighting organisation and you are well...let’s just say, not so much into crime-fighting.

I was going to suggest that you call yourselves the ‘Brotherhood of Evil Mutants’, but Magneto beat me to it.
No worries, I have it. You and Shaik can call yourselves the ‘X-Con-Men’. Of course, Marwick and Bhutana are not yet eligible to join, being innocent (until proven guilty).
I have a business proposition which we can sell, you and I, to attorneys in the field of criminal law; no more late nights for lawyers burning the midnight oil preparing futile arguments for guilty men. For a small fee, you and I will advise men to plead guilty and transfer your powers of illness in jail to them and, voila! Think about it.

In the meantime, please try to keep a low profile. Your insistence on continuing to breathe is inconvenient for the President.
I drink to your surprisingly good health!

Cheers!

Acting Chairman – Mbabane
Drinking Committee – Mvutjini Faction

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