ARTISTS ARE A PROBLEM

What did Beyonce mean in ‘Upgrade you’ when she sang “I can do for you what Martin did for the people” in the context of singing to her man? With as little exaggeration as is possible I must admit that this keeps me up at night.

I have never been the type of person who is on trend with the latest music but whenever I did get to hear about a song and loved it I memorised those lyrics like I was going to be tested on them later. Now because of my obscure and random associations I have quite honestly been able to find a lyric to suit every single occasion. Much to my chagrin, however, my adeptness at lyrical analysis is not without its limits. Allow me to think out loud this week, about what some lyrics could possibly mean and when it is appropriate to let them rip in your mind or even out loud.

“So many aunties we could have an auntie team” – Kanye West
This was on ‘Roses’ before he started snatching mics from teenage girls so he was still lucid. I don’t know what an auntie team is but I’m pretty sure everyone could use one. When I think about my own aunties and envision play dates we could arrange for these aunties I am pretty sure my team of aunties would win. Because everything is a competition and no one especially those on anything called an auntie team deserve our mercy.
Best place to use this: At a family reunion. You might be disowned but do not cower, having no family ties will make you a stronger person. Or a sociopath.
“I don’t like cities but I like New York. Other places make me feel like a dork” – Madonna

I will never forgive Madonna for being a sub-par human being when she either wrote or okayed this line. How is a star as big as she is with as many songwriters at her disposal as she does okay with allowing her vocal cords to rhyme york with dork. Was there no way to explore words like ‘talk’ or ‘walk’? I mean was it absolutely necessary to default to speaking like a 10-year-old? WHEN YOU ARE MADONNA. I feel dirty. And no, not like the streets of New York.
Best place to use this: When you get a time machine that will make you 10 years old again. OR now, if you don’t care about reputation management.
“You just mad cause I tell it how it is and you tell it how it might be” -  Diddy
WHO MADE SEAN COMBS RELEVANT? I am typing in caps because these are important questions. This man is possibly the most mediocre rapper with his soft-core rhymes in the history of the game. Any game. How is me telling you how it might be a punch line, how does that inspire crowd cringes (man I’ve been to rap battles I know the rules of engagement). In terms of presence I range from on leave to not here at all for Puff Daddy.
Best place to use this: On Mars where hopefully the Martians do not know English.”
“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains” – Shakira
Little known fact: my friends and I danced to this song during our Miss Sisekelo pageant. I say ‘little known’ because despite the fact that people were watching I don’t know how memorable it was. Man I danced so hard to that song I completely missed the wisdom of Shakira for girls with small chests. What is the purpose of language if girls like me cannot refer to our chests as humble. Do you guys know Philile Masango? I hate her and her mountains.
Best place to use this: Around Philile Masango.
“When you’re gone and the clothes you left, they lie on

the floor and they smell just like you” – Avril Lavigne
Firstly, gross! Secondly, who are these people that Avril was dating who were messy buggers with more clothes than they needed? Did he leave naked?  Why was he leaving his clothes on the floor. Goodluck trying to break up with me and then leaving my house a mess, with your smelly clothes.
Best place to use this: I’m not that creative. I really don’t know.

“I’m your worst nightmare squared. That’s double for you niggas who aint mathematically aware” – Common and Canibus
I’m so sad that this exists in the universe because these men are my whole heart. Except they are teasing their own kind in this lyric, I wonder when they discovered that not every number squared is equivalent to when it is doubled. Three for instance; squared it’s nine, doubled it’s six. They probably just used the number two as a basis for this line and called it a day.
Best place to use this: when you make the acquaintance of people who are not mathematically aware and will stop listening at ‘squared’.
I really could use comfort from an auntie team right now.

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