GROWING UP FEMINIST

My mother is a feminist. She had two sons and, deciding that the world was populated enough as it was, thereafter elected to have her tubes tied.
So she was stuck with two boys (three counting my father) and, until her sons grew up, she was the only woman in the house.

I think I would have been a feminist in self-defence in her situation! But, actually, we seldom had fights over feminism and its values. I remember being a teenager, nursing a broken heart and blaming all women for it, and shouting at my mother that men had feelings, too. But, of course, I had deliberately missed the point; humans have feelings, and often quite strong ones about each other.

For the most part, there was never any discussion over feminism; my brother and I simply expected to treat women equally to men. This was because we had been raised to respect all people equally, whatever their gender, occupation, level of education, skin colour or whatever (age was an exception – people who had survived to old age deserved respect just for that fact!). Today, the only thing I truly cannot tolerate is intolerance.

It thus hurts me deeply to see my nation struggling through the question of gender tolerance. To me, all human beings are worthy of respect. Women add a touch of grace to life that I appreciate. I appreciate, not by touching, but by looking. Not by staring, but by glancing. Not by calling out rudely but by greeting with admiration.

Perhaps you would say my mother has brain-washed me to appreciate women for the glorious pizzazz they bring to life and the different way they think. Perhaps you are right. But I know that my life would have been miserable and drab without the challenge of trying to figure out ‘the female brain’.

And I have observed that my life – and the lives of those around us – is infinitely more enjoyable when my mother, or any other woman in my life, is happy.
It’s tough for my girlfriend, though. She sometimes expects to be treated like a queen instead of a friend, an equal. I do open doors for women (you often never know what’s on the other side...), but I have learned that treating a woman as an untouchable ‘lady’ and expecting her not to work but just to look good, for example, is not showing her respect.

Work brings a respect and dignity with it that women should not be denied. Indeed, I am hoping that my future wife can earn more than me – what can I say? Times are hard and children need to be looked after, or else they grow up to be greedy and selfish.

However, it’s helped me in dating, a lot. My mother taught me that ‘no means no’. This makes dating easy: ‘Want to date me? No? Thanks, have a nice day...’ and off I go to the next prospect without wasting anymore of my time or energy. Or money, for that matter. As a result, I have gone for years without a partner but then, when I do find a person who finds me interesting, I tend to stay in the relationship to see how far it will go. Knowing that I have waited for this relationship makes me work harder at it and so they tend to work out. For a while, at least. Oh yes, to avoid having to make a sudden decision on marriage and child-rearing like my grandparents found themselves doing, I have made it a habit to use condoms. Every time.

That way, when I do want to settle down to have children, I will be able to choose the time and place. And woman. As a bonus, I get to avoid HIV as well. Even when paying for condoms, the peace of mind alone is cheap at the price!
These two precepts – treating women as equals and always using condoms – have stood me in good stead all my life and now I approach my fourth decade in a nation where the life expectancy is 49. I am fairly confident that if I don’t reach 49, it won’t be a love relationship turning sour or a sexually transmitted disease that kills me.

I wish, though, that my friends could see what I see and could respect themselves enough to do the same.
For, once you treat another human being with disrespect, you are disrespecting yourself as a member of the human race. And when you disrespect yourself, you don’t do what needs to be done to preserve yourself.

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