Times Of Swaziland: ROUND IS FASTER

ROUND IS FASTER
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Chris Morgan on 31/10/2024 06:56:00


If you want to savour the delights of highly creative humour of the traditional
style – not the silly stuff that’s included in some of the popular podcasts
of today – look no further than Peter Cook and Barry Humphries.
I had been convinced they could never be called to the other world. We would
miss them too much. Sadly, both are gone. Perhaps they are enjoying a richly
deserved welcome from their Maker. In one of Peter Cook’s sketches he argued
determinedly that he’d identified the earliest inventor of that amazing round
object that has permitted such pace to be achieved on the ground and in all
manner of means. He claimed that the very first one invented was called the
‘vandanblatherstiddle’ but, anticipating the future difficulties such as,
‘please re-align my vandanbladderstiddles’, a nearby inventor elbowed in the
following day with an identical product that was called the ‘wheel’.
Remarkable
The wheel then embarked upon a truly remarkable life in human society through
the ages and found itself one day as the humble co-component  in a marvellous
piece of machinery known as the bicycle.  I write this today in dedication to a
victim of a fatal incident when enjoying one of the great pleasures and fitness
contributors of the present age. Dr Malvern Masango was a Zimbabwean, serving as
a medical practitioner in Eswatini and recently killed on the road when riding
his bike.
The incident is sub judice so I cannot comment further, other than to join the
many who are saying - Dr Masango, may you rest in peace. In celebration of his
life, together with all fellow cyclists, I offer some light-hearted words while
in the spirit of dedication to the good man.  It’s all about the ‘dandy
horse’. Two hundred years is a long time. Less so in terms of how people speak
and their general standards of etiquette and social behaviour. But, in terms of
technological innovation, 1824 is as far back as the Stone Age, millions of
years ago.
Can you imagine that early precursor to the bicycle, the first of its kind to
hit society? Invented by two Germans, Baron Karl Drais and Otto Schillinger, it
was the first human-powered vehicle that utilised two wheels. Their wooden
design was named the ‘Laufmaschine’ (translated from German as ‘running
machine’), and they obtained a patent in January of 1818. Do you think
that’s expired by now?
Difficult
This pioneering version of the modern bike was simply two wheels connected by a
frame. No pedals, chains, and gears, and riders would simply use their feet to
propel it forward. It may be difficult to visualise any gain to be obtained from
this device. Without the chain and pedals as drivers, the drawings of that
machine give the impression it must have been rather uncomfortable. The rider
might just as well run. But, with a sitting opportunity in the form of a thin
piece connecting the two wheels, you would at least get the luxury of the
free-wheeling down an incline and some degree of assistance when leaning on the
handlebars and elevating yourself slightly. Ever done a bit of that when
returning the shopping trolley to its rightful home?
In England, the costly device was mostly ridden by nobles. Riders were
frequently ridiculed, and the device was nicknamed a ‘dandy horse’. Quite
the talk in the affluent circles of the time, the bicycle became the
vélocipède or draisienne, (for the French people) and then a pedestrian
curricle; even the swiftwalker. They never lacked creative thinking in those
days. It was also called a hobby horse which is a little confusing since that
normally refers to a preoccupation with a favourite topic. You have strong
feelings about it and talk about it whenever the opportunity arises. Synonyms
might be: pet subject, obsession, preoccupation, and fixation. Anyway … enough
of the lecture.The first modern bicycle that used the rotary crank, drive chain
and pedals appeared on the market around in 1860s. Even though it was again made
of wood and would shake the users violently (its nickname was the
‘boneshaker’) it consigned the dandy-horse to history. Over the next two
hundred years human society – well, the clever members thereof – added a
very handy device that enabled us to dispense with the dandy-horse and spare the
legs.
Rumoured
The owner could actually sit in it and eat his breakfast at the same time,
though that is illegal, depending of course on the content of the meal. A tasty
little roll harms no one, but a knife and fork job is definitely off limits. It
is rumoured in the world left by Peter Cook that this remarkable invention was
called the ‘smokyairbangbang’ but someone nipped in quickly the following
day and called it the ‘motor car’.
Unlike its two-wheel predecessor, the motor car became a domineering member of
future society. In your growing years the dream of a happy and fruitful life
ahead with a rewarding career, family and home to match may have been dwarfed
into insignificance by the desire to one day own a four-wheeler like a Bentley
or Maserati. Whatever vehicle you ultimately drove, the way you did so would
also define your broader behaviour as a human being. You are how you drive. The
gracious and considerate, the impatient and selfish are all seen as such when
behind the fifth wheel.