Times Of Swaziland: Dear Zwelinzima Vavi

Dear Zwelinzima Vavi
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BY GALLOWS HUMOUR on 16/08/2013 00:00:00


Wassup dawg? What were your parents thinking calling you Zwelinzima, which means
‘this land is hard’? I bet it’s feeling hard right now!
Well, I hope they are happy.
What can I say, bru? Dog days indeed. But get your chin up – every dog has its
day…I mean, who is the president of South Africa? The Top Dog himself.
I cannot say I was surprised to hear that you got busted after making the beast
with two backs with a subordinate…in the office, nogal!
Dude??? You have an annual salary exceeding six figures. Ever heard of Formula
One? Not the race. Well, it was a momentary lapse of judgement. Not what you
did, but the where, the how and the with whom. Now the whom in the equation
claims it wasn’t consensual. My advice, you should videotape such encounters.
You will find that in my soon-to-be-released book “Player’s Bible”, but
it’s no use to you now!
I was delayed waiting for Bill Clinton’s input.
The problem is, dude, my book would have assisted you because although the whom
has withdrawn her complaint, you are now in the poo for the things YOU said and
the admissions YOU made. Loose lips sink ships, you know.
There are a number of defences you would have found in the ‘Player’s
Bible’.
First, the ‘Clinton Defence’ – “I did not touch that woman”. Second,
the ‘Shaggy Defence’ – ‘It wasn’t me’. Next, the ‘Joost van der
Westhuizen Defence’ (Highly recommended when confronted with video or
photographic evidence) – ‘That’s not me!’ You, however, on the advice of
someone who had obviously had a litre of haterade, chose the ‘Sarkozy
Defence’ – ‘It’s true, but…’ That was a bogus plot from the get-go,
dawg!
Didn’t Winston Churchill say “Never, never, never own up...we shall deny it
on the beaches, we shall deny it in the streets and alleys, we shall deny it and
we shall never ever own up”.
He didn’t say that?! Well, he would have had he been in your shoes.
Now, the Zuma hatchet men in COSATU are baying for your blood. The irony of
Zuma’s cronies holding the moral high ground is not lost on me. The lunatics
have taken over the asylum.
Believe me, each and every one of your fellow Godless communists have done the
same thing, they were just too smart to get caught.
In any event, this is a storm in a teacup. Who says fidelity in marriage is a
necessary leadership quality?
Some of the world’s greatest philanderers were excellent leaders, such as J F
Kennedy, and some of the world’s greatest husbands, couldn’t organise a piss
up in a brewery. Take Swaziland. Here, men in high office have committed bigamy
by marrying one wife by civil rights and those who follow by Swazi custom.
Nevermind adultery, it is not frowned upon. It used to be a national sport and
now it is almost compulsory.
Even the pastors are at it, except that when confronted, they use the classic
Jimmy Swaggart defence “I spoke to the Lord and He told me it was flat none of
your business”.
It’s not so much that you did it, you let everybody down by doing it like a
novice and look now, one of the few good men, oops, I mean principled men...
nevermind. I’m just sorry to see you go.
Don’t feel bad. Bigger men than you have fallen prey to African kryptonite.
You’ll bounce back.
By the way, I understand your deed was done in the photocopy room. Tell me, was
the make of the photocopier Canon? Just thinking!
Cheers.
Acting Chairman – Mbabane Drinking
Committee – Mvutjini Faction