Times Of Swaziland: IN THE SHADOWS OF ADULTHOOD

IN THE SHADOWS OF ADULTHOOD
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Bandiswa Vilane on 21/08/2024 07:16:00


MANY things have become a puzzling case of morality and this is a result or
rather the dynamics of society and its ability to shift shape through time. As
such our thinking progresses through the same fluidity to improve life and this
is one of the most beautiful aspects of life – that it is fluid and not stuck
to the same old ways. I am taken aback by a typical cultural example that
clearly defines this notion, as a child growing up, one of the pillars of
respect was to prioritise the adult without question.
Values
In public transport the child is often made to stand up so that the adult may
assume the seat. this was normal and standard procedure as a child, dutiful to
the values I was raised with and without any question practised for years. In
fact, even as an adult, I often see this still happening all the time. Until you
are the adult and you start questioning why the memo is simply accepted and
carried by the norm without second thought by everyone else. It has brought to
me that as adult it has made me question the standing of our thinking and
philosophies as adults. That is where we lack, children must suffer to make us
complacent, and where we cannot account, we must use philosophical theories like
respect to not be questioned. It is almost like taking joy in being amateur and
unreasonable with room to be unquestioned. There is a little to no advocacy for
children in many aspects and our cultural setup allows us to masquerade
perfectionism and constantly demand for validation in spaces to compensate for
the places we lack in.
Respect
The problem is not respect, it is to feel entitled to respect when we are
presented with opportunities to earn it and to teach young children that it is
earned. It is the anger that laces our language when we feel we are not given
the respect that we feel we must be given. In a household, the mother will
prioritise the man and adults over the children, there is a specific piece of
meat reserved for the adult and the children are served last. An adult with the
capacity to think for themselves and do things for themselves will be served
first over a hungry five-year-old that has no sense of time or patience.  the
child is taught a disappointing concept in the process, that they must be okay
with not being prioritised, that they are not important and that they are only
deserving of certain things because of who they are. When they grow up to
project the results of these teachings in other areas of life, we are suddenly
surprised.
As an adult, I often question the common sense of the adult in social settings
beyond the reasonability of the social ques that we have developed. It is
unsettling that with age, the mind becomes more sensitive and vulnerable to
feelings of importance and proclaimed value. I believe it stems from the
inadequacies we carry as adults and in turn we look to validate ourselves in the
smallest of ways by using power and age even when it is not needed, to have a
sense of importance.
These are small ways that show how broken adults are, how cultural teachings
supersede common sense and education for the fulfilment of those that upkeep
them. I ask myself why a 45-year-old woman will walk into a kombi that is full,
where do you expect to sit when you willingly walk into a full public transport?
Is it with the arrogance that someone’s child will ‘respect’ you and stand
up so you can sit? Someone’s child that has paid fully for the same service?
Or perhaps is it simply out of desperation for a sense of importance throughout
the day to just have someone do something for you – although unwillingly and
reluctantly – the point is that at least somewhere there was validation you
needed and got?
Practices
It is unfortunate that these same practices although unharmful at times, teach
children terrible habits, and also teach adults artificial importance and
entitlement. Any adult who feels entitled to anything simply by the status of
their age has failed themselves because they have shown that to be an adult is
to be a child at heart – crude and demanding for things we have not earned. 
Have you seen how violent and demanding a man walking into a full public
transport is? “awusukume wena mtfwana ngitohlala,” no please and no thank
you by the merit of being old, and you question what language and values are
being imparted to children at that time? That we must demand for things when we
are not being given? That being loud and aggressive will get you what you want?
Is this the society we want to cultivate?