NO BLESSINGS IN ‘BLESSER/ BLESSEE’ RELATIONSHIPS!

Sir,

The phenomenon of older men exploiting young girls is not new, and may have been referred to with different terms in the past. More recently it seems we have arrived at this new narrative of the blesser and the blessee.

There is often a variety of reasons provided by these young women for engaging in these relations. Common among these, is a sense of autonomy over one’s body, the need to fit into particular classes of society, socioeconomic reasons and sex as a currency for material acquisition.

Generally, women who engage in such relationships are viewed with scorn and may be called all sorts of names. They may be assumed to be materialistic or even promiscuous. The gaze on their male counterparts whom they engage in these relationships tends to be less harsh.

The word blesser is loaded with religious connotations, thus giving the impression of goodwill, favours from the Almighty, something positive and desirable and, well, blessings. Further implications are that one has been truly favoured to find oneself in the caring hands of a blesser.

Our problem with the word blesser is that it camouflages and glorifies the sordid and exploitative nature of the blesser/blessee relationship. It feeds the discourse of patriarchy. Simultaneously, it renders the young women as vulnerable and void of any negotiating power expected in healthy relationships. However, can we therefore posit that, the reality is that the blesser/blessee affairs exist perhaps partly because relationships based purely on love are so hard to find, if at all. 

Perhaps it is not always easy to be a young woman in Swaziland, attempting to navigate through the world. Youth unemployment and poverty levels are high. This implies that people are struggling not for luxury resources, but for access to means of comfort and support for their families. Added to that, we are a country still actively dealing with the challenges that accompany HIV. It becomes even harder to negotiate sexually protective measures when the person with whom you are engaging in such a relationship is also the main provider of your bread and butter. 

With this in mind, we also need to become mindful of the socialisation young women receive into womanhood. Is there something within our culture and society, which defines success as having a man who is willing and able to provide all financial and material desires? There could be something within our society that perpetuates that ideal, even at a subconscious level. This subsequently impacts the kind of relationships that will be sought and the expectations people have within them. As a society we generally elevate people with money to higher social statuses.

At a more personal level, an individual’s personal history and experiences influences the decisions that they make and what they may deem best. In the absence of affirmation, attachment and secure relationships, especially in early childhood, these unfulfilled needs may be sought in other ways as a form of compensation, no matter the compromise to the self. 
The objectification of the female body as a ‘means to an end’ promotes the absence of female autonomy which blessees hope to achieve from blesser provisions.

S Mdluli and S Shabangu

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