WOMEN HAVE RIGHT TO HAPPINESS

Sir,

We have read with heavy hearts of the indignities and abuse that women have had to endure at the hands of their so called ‘lovers’ but one wonders why? Why do women stay and continue to take the humiliation and pain of living with an abusive man? 

To be frank, there are a number of reasons why women stay. Some stay in the name of love. As bizarre as this may sound, everybody enters a relationship for love and that emotion does not disappear easily or in the face of difficulties. In fact we are taught from a very early age that true love endures all difficulty.

Some women stay because they have nowhere else to go. Complete financial reliance on a man can force a woman to stay in a relationship that isn’t working, especially if she has children. Raising children is an enormous responsibility and doing it alone can be overwhelming, both emotionally and financially. 

Furthermore, abusive men often threaten to take the children should a woman threaten to leave. There are no lengths a mother will not go to in order to keep her children. It is also a fact that being a single parent is a very strenuous experience under the best of circumstances. In many instances women are afraid to leave because they fear their partners.

Another reason a woman will stay is because her partner pleads for forgiveness and promises to reform and more often than not women want to believe this. Besides, don’t people always say its better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know? Most women feel that if the man apologises and seems remorseful, it’s better to forgive him than to set off looking for a new man who might treat her even worse. Needless to say, as the evidence points out, abusive men seldom change their stripes!

Ladies, the abuse will continue. Begging for forgiveness does not mean that a man will change his abusive nature.
Also, if you’ve been socialised to see your role in the family as that of a caregiver, then leaving may be seen as some form of failure. Traditionally, during marriage, women are told to expect the worst and that they should bear it all because that is the role of a woman. This results in many women internalising their pain and suffering not wanting to appear as though they are failing at the institution of marriage. What they forget to consider, though, is that they have a right to be happy. Agreeing to marriage does not mean you sign away your right to happiness and safety.

On the other hand, men say they beat up on women because women no longer know how to respect them. The issue of equality keeps cropping up where men say they feel that when a woman earns within the same income bracket or more than the man she tends to undermine her partner’s authority which then leads to discord in the home. Infidelity has also been fingered as one of the biggest reasons men hit women.

Religious beliefs have also contributed to women being unable to leave an abusive partner simply because these beliefs reinforce the commitment to marriage. The worst reason for staying is that of the women who believe they deserve the beatings. This could be the result of a lifetime of witnessing abuse or being abused which instilled a distorted sense of right and wrong when it comes to abuse. “I had done wrong so it was his right to hit me,” or “He cares for me and does this to show me the way, vele nangonile kumele ente njani umntfwanebantfu?”  To all the beautiful intelligent women in the country, there is absolutely no reason why you deserve to be beaten down.

Mother of four

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