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TRIGGERS EVERYWHERE, SURELY WE CAN DO BETTER

17/02/2022 08:54:00 Editor

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Sir,

I am a woman in Eswatini and that is a very heavy burden to bear. All I see are triggers everywhere. I was once married to a fine young man who showered me with gifts. He had such grand gestures of affection and romance. Then something changed; he started being controlling and jealous. We fought over the reluctance I had to changing my last name, we fought over if I was being honest with him when I was going to the gym in the evenings. We fought over why I had a password on my phone if I had nothing to hide, and if I was changing my hair because other man liked it a certain way.

Treacherous

He was glaringly descending onto treacherous grounds but I did not see it. Time passed, with each new rule he conjured I would adopt and internalise it with a narrative of trying to be the good wife. He started calling my friends to verify if I was really with them on supposed lunch outs with them. Still I saw no crime - he was protective and concerned. Then a particularly unique incident happened; I was at home after a fight we had had. He demanded I take pictures to prove I was indeed home. I quickly did as ordered. It still did not diffuse the anger he was lashing out at me. At that moment, I realised there really was nothing I could possibly do to appease him. In his eyes I plotted elaborate schemes and plots and needed constant monitoring to be contained. It was exhausting. I had too many rules to uphold, too many things to remember so as to not aggravate him. It was a miserable existence.

Attack

I started feeling like life had been slowly leaving my body; I was dying inside. With each attack, I would shrink further into an indescribable darkness. I suddenly couldn’t even trust my own voice within; his opinion of me had grown far louder than my own. This man had slowly been killing me for years. The bouquets and gifts had blinded me. I was in terrible shape within. I would cry inconsolably for no reason. I was a mess but couldn’t quite articulate where this despair was stemming from. Fast forward to today. I feel like my old self again. I left that broken man who was hell-bent on dragging me into the abyss alongside him. Something in me has changed. I do not want to see a woman go through such nonsense. He does not have to physically beat you to kill your spirit. The SODV Act was meant to be our saving grace; when it came out we rejoiced quietly in our many corners of the country. However, the misuse of the Act is violating the very reason we needed it for. I appeal to women and men of Eswatini not to contaminate what is meant to save drowning souls.

However, the work to protect women is not over; we still have two grounds of divorce in this country. What are we saying about abusive marriages? Are we saying let the women stew in this misery - when they’ve had enough, report it and we will simply fine a man and send him back home? Abuse is a cycle. We need to help others break the cycle or things will get worse and the next thing she’s dead and all people say is: “What a shame, she was so beautiful,” and simply turn over the page of the newspaper. Surely we can do better.