WHEN LOVE BECOMES A LOADED GUN

Globally, about 40 per cent of all female murder victims, and just six per cent of male murder victims, die at the hands of a former or present spouse or lover. The home becomes a dangerous place for women (as well as for children). Whereas almost all cases of homicides committed by males against their female partners occurred after the female ended the relationship or announced her intention to do so, most of the homicides committed by females against their male partners were reactions to severe male domestic violence.

My research into this topic was triggered by the recent reports of men who have killed their wives and then immediately committed suicide, or disappeared like in the case of the Shiselweni guy. I will not limit today’s article to just husbands and wives, but just partners in general. I remember many cases where such is triggered by the woman cheating on her husband, or partner as well as the husband or partner cheating on her and her deciding to leave, not knowing that choosing herself will lead to her death. When a woman kills a man, it’s hardly because he cheated or was leaving her, research shows that it’s usually because she was defending herself from his domestic violence. And yet men are driven by love, so they claim.

This phenomenon was termed ‘passion killing’ a few years ago when many men claimed to have committed the homicide out of or because of love. Wife murder does not express profound love; rather, it is an abusive type of the problematic fusion model of love. It is a mixture of failure to accept rejection and controlling - if I can’t have you then no one else can, kind of thing.

Preceded

If one follows the history, one may realise that the murder stems from a trail of violence that preceded it. Therefore, this brings us to the chilling truth - the murder is not an unintended result of violence that went too far—as most of these murders are well-planned. Furthermore, murder of women cannot be understood in terms of loss of control or local insanity. It is rather a deliberate act which is the result of an emotional ripeness that created the mental readiness for committing the murder as an act of profound despair that is ready to destroy the other, even if this means destroying oneself.

What this means is that the longer one stays with an abusive partner, the higher the chances that it will lead to murder. Let me say that again in simpler terms - it isn’t just simple argumenta if it will lead to him assaulting you, it’s not just his jealousy that leads him to crashing your phone or kicking you out of the house in the middle of the night - it is a brewing intention to hurt you in the worst possible way. So staying in that kind of relationship is not a sign of love, or ‘kubeketela’, it is suicide in itself.

With this in mind - the fact that staying and leaving or threatening to leave - increases the risk of wife murder significantly, what does government do to deal with these murders in the country? The Sexual Offences and Domestic Violence Act provides for the provision of safety for these women, Women’s Shelters, but to this day, over 6 years after the enactment of the law, this is still not a reality.

Attention

Women still do not have safe houses provided for by government and threatening to hurt or kill someone is not a crime that is given the attention it deserves. So how many women do we want to lose before any specific measures to protect them are taken?I believe that these murders are done out of weakness, and nit out if strength. The partner who refuses to accept rejection or unrequited love is the weaker one. This leads to the thought that maybe our efforts should be put more in teaching children how to deal with such emotions stemming from rejection. It should form an integral part of the mental health program at schools so that when they grow up, they are emotionally mature and emotionally ready to take on any kind of emotion - positive or negative. More resources should be put in place to help the young ones grow into better human beings. As much as academic excellence is important, what good will it do if as adults we end up dead or in jail?  

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