BEING A MAN IN A PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY

Sir,

We are living in times which are very hard to deal with and very demanding for the male of the species. These demands are made worse by the fact that we are living in a society that calls for a man to be strong and to hold things together, a society that never allows its men to be themselves without being told how to be men or behave in a comfortable way to them.

Patriarchy will always expect a lot from men because it has given so much. As they say; to whom much is given, much is expected. The problem with the things a patriarchal society unfairly demands from men is that they are expected to fit into narrow, rigid self-contradictory gender roles . These roles may get men to become frustrated, confused and isolated and this may lead them to abusive measures and substance abuse. Here are some, but not all, of the things society demands from the male of the species.

1. Making money – In a patriarchal society, a ‘real man’ will be defined by his finances. This society will expect men to be rich while expecting women to be beautiful, thus limiting their potential as well. Just a thought: What would happen if men didn’t bring home the bacon but knew how to fry it in the pan?  Making less money than their wives will get their masculinity suspected, because failure to do so catapults men straight into the ‘girly’ camp.

Get me right on this one, I also believe in hard work, but what will happen to you if you marry a CEO when you are an ordinary bank manager? Are you going to limit yourself to that small role when you feel your manhood has been tampered with? No, things and times are changing and only the flexible will survive. Have you heard what your wife’s or girlfriend’s friends think about you when you don’t make more money than her? You will hear things like ‘hha yesisi, ufuna kondla indvodza – ‘do you want to look after a man?’ These are the things you can’t blame anyone but a crazy and sexist society for.

2. Being a winner – From an early age, boys are raised and socialised to compete with other boys. We are taught to think of ourselves, watch our backs, protect ourselves from other men and are  trained as warriors to fight other men. Other men are seen as enemies, a dangerous someone I have to defend myself from. When another man has something good, I have to get it from him. We have seen this even when another man has a girlfriend or wife, it would be other men that would do all things possible to get that woman from him as they may feel he doesn’t ‘deserve’ her. 

You will hear men saying ‘Loyishayile akayosi’ meaning other men still have a chance at the same woman, as if she is some kind of game. We have civil wars because of a man’s ego; he just won’t step down until he gets what he wants from other men, even at the expense of innocent civilians. Men are expected to be ‘top dogs’. We are living in a hierarchical world but, if truth be told, not all men dominate the world; only a small percentage do and the rest are submitting.

If you are not in the small percentage dominating society, cut the drift; you won’t win.
3. Be physically strong – This one has been influenced by the big men we see on TV; now a man is expected to be big, strong and muscular, able to lift a motor vehicle with his hands. These kinds of men have been over-advertised to everyone until they paid attention. Some men don’t go to the gym because they care about their health but because of the pressures of this crazy TV society. It is funny how men have little, if any, control over this one because  as much as they can work out, some men will never win this one because their build is naturally small, so you can’t turn yourself into John Cena no matter how hard you can try.

4. Get it up – This one is a very sad and painful one. If you have any doubts about this one, check the classified adverts of this newspaper; people are making themselves rich off men’s insecurities about their sexual lives. Most men I have spoken to say that ‘you have failed as a man if you do not or cannot give your partner a minimum of one hour of lovemaking’. We read in this very news paper how some men have died after taking or overdosing on these sex concoctions. You will hear men saying that if you have a disrespectful wife, then you are not doing a good job in the bedroom as a man.

I write this not to be judged but to make us understand that masculinity is in transition. Our understanding of what it means to be a successful man should also change and allow men to be themselves without us influencing the attributes of manhood using negative measures. We are being called to develop new ways of relating to emotions, our partners, our children and our work.

This may leave us confused, disoriented and overwhelmed. The issue of equality and inequality is not a women`s issue but everyone`s issue, men included. It is clear that men and boys are also victims of inequality as it demands a lot from them, so gender equality can benefit men as well,  thus making a unique and significant difference in the lives of men, women and children and the health of our society.

Samora Makama,
Mbabane

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