ACCEPTING THE UNCHANGEABLE

Sir,

Few years ago I was told that I was HIV positive. The first thing that came to my mind was how because I hadn’t had sex with anyone. I have learnt about HIV at school but now that it was about me my mind became blank.

I took it lightly, like it was a joke, a bad dream and I will wake up from it in a few hours, a misunderstanding of some sort. Bottom line it was false. At that age I did not pay it too much attention but with each day it sank in. Could it be real? Taking medication made it real but not in my mind.
It took me years to come to terms with it let alone accept that I am a statistic of such.

If anyone talked about HIV I kind of felt they were talking about me and it didn’t go down well with me. If they were to talk about it on television I wished to switch off my mind, disappear at that instant and come back after they were done.

Such revelation destroyed my mentality. It came with the idea of ‘I will die soon’. What then was the use of putting effort in life, of dreaming if soon I’ll be gone?  I was young at that age and it tormented me. Everywhere you go it is HIV this, HIV that. They have not come up with a cure. What will happen to me? The worst part was how statistically they said the higher number of deaths were AIDS related. Oh God I will follow, not far from now.

At night I would cry in my bed, tears rolling down my cheeks asking God why He chose me. Why should I be the cursed one? I knew they were so many children my age who are HIV positive but the fact was they were not me. I was talking to God about me. The way I said it, with pain, it was God who could answer which He never did. I never heard His voice.

The years seemed a waste of time. I got to the point where I found life worthless. Where I felt I didn’t deserve to live. I did go for counselling, believe me all I did was sit down and listen to the lady bore me about how I could still live a normal life. I was good at listening and pretending to understand just to get her off my case.

I have actually never responded until one time I was told to say all that as in my heart. I said a lot of this including the ones I have mentioned. I cried like a little baby not in my sleep anymore but to someone who understood. The nut cracked, all my fears were in the open.
Sometimes I wished I was never born or that I die instantly. At least it would save me the pain, the anger, being fake to myself, to the world. The real me crushed the instant I knew. I lost my identity, I lived in isolation.

I actually enjoyed life, forget everything I was going through when I was among people. The moment I was alone it haunted me. I struggled between the years. I felt as if i was losing the battle. I tried to find the reason to live in people which I never did because I realised that people come and go in one’s life. If I were to lose that person I’d find no reason to live anymore.

I am all grown now; 17 years old. I have come to accept what I cannot change. It had been a long walk of acceptance. What makes an HIV positive person different from an HIV negative? Simple; just blood samples.

When I look back, I am not ashamed of myself. I find it as a way of dealing with a situation. I almost gave up on a wonderful life for a revelation it created in me nobody else. I remained the same. I came to realise that there is more to life that is worth living for. At least that’s what my life scale revealed. I am living and achieving so what is the use of wasting my tears on a pillow. I do not drink much water so how am I going to replace the one I was wasting.

I am grateful for my life. God has given it to me. I’ve got a future to live for. We will all die at some point. Whether HIV seems like a death sentence or not, it makes no change to the life cycle. We are born…..live….then die.

People have lived for years with it, have wonderful families of their own. Why should I torture myself then? HIV or not, I still have the same personality, the same dreams, the hunger for adventure but look at life at a different angle. I have a life on the edge and somehow have to maintain balance. Each day is a blessing and a reason to smile.
Fact I am...beautiful...an achiever...clever...smart...a dreamer and no one can take that away from me.

Anonymous

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