FINDING THE COURAGE TO LEAVE

Today’s article is inspired by Tyler Perry’s latest movie, Divorce in the Black, coupled with the latest story of a woman who is divorced and being kicked out of her home by the ex-husband which has made headlines recently.

In fact, this is just one of many women’s realities in this country, unfortunately. According to records on marriage and divorce, the divorce rate was 1.8 out of 1000 around the world. That is an awfully high rate of people divorcing. In Eswatini, last year’s report averaged over 340 divorces in a space of 5 months. I was shocked to see this because the rate of marriage isn’t even that high.Lack of commitment, financial challenges, and infidelity are some of the leading causes of divorce in the world.

In Eswatini these struggles are coupled with gender based violence that happens even after someone has stayed after infidelity. One of the grounds for divorce provided for by the new Marriage Bill is erectile dysfunction. Other grounds, according to the Bill include change of religion and sexual perversion together with desertion. The Bill proposes that if either of the parties deserts the home for 12 months, this may result in automatic divorce.

Looking at these grounds, and the rate of gender based violence in the country, I cannot help but worry about how this may add or reduce to that rate. The number of children that are born outside of marriage by married men is too high for my liking, and many women have chosen to stay despite that, but if the new law gives them grounds to leave, why would they stay?
 In fact, with a child as a result of that infidelity, the woman can apply for divorce and come for that man’s assets, rightfully so, and that is usually the beginning of all the trouble. I was shocked that abuse was not grounds for divorce when a relative tried to get protection and eventually divorce from her husband. Even opening a domestic violence case demanded some kind of evidence in bruises and black eyes and some witnesses, the police just wouldn’t open one for her without any of it.

Divorce

In an article, published August 12, 2013, His Majesty King Mswati III has reminded the nation that there is no divorce in a marriage conducted under Swazi Law and Custom. Only death, the King said, can bring a customary marriage to an end. The Philippines is one of the countries that bans divorce. The Vatican City does not allow divorce either. These may have plausible explanations why divorce is not an option for the citizens, but such prohibitions may also have dire consequences for those in toxic marriages and want out. The truth is, no one wants or deserves to put up with poor treatment their whole lives.

Therapists have said that if you feel disregard of boundaries, intentional harm or injury of a boundary or person, or a person encroaches on deal-breaking behavior, it may be time to get a divorce.  Like other signs, resolving this lack of respect is possible. However, if your spouse is unwilling to change or the incidents are pervasive, leaving the marriage is a sound decision. Staying for the kids is not the best option either because those children will not like the excuse when they grow older and fall into the cycle of abuse, and start blaming you for staying and not only ruining their lives, but ruining theirs too.

Painful

This Tyler Perry movie is a painful reminder of struggle love. A reminder of how people stay with abusive partners just because society expects them to endure. Childhood traumas can also contribute towards staying in abusive relationships, as I mentioned above, when the child is now grown up and has the mentality that ‘. my mom stayed, so should I’ and they use their parent’s toxic relationship as a major of other relationships. I’ve worked in communities where we’ve discussed abuse and young ladies would submit that they don’t believe a man loves them if he doesn’t beat them.

That is the damage talking, that is why parents should never expose their children to such. That is why sometimes divorce is the best decision. Forget about societal expectations because society isn’t the one in that household going through what you go through on a daily basis. Men have the tendency to not speak out; they too need to have a voice and the courage to leave an abusive woman. Enduring toxicity is never good for you, your kids nor the people around d you. 

Post your comment

Your name:

Your e-mail address:

Add your comments:

Please enter the code you see in the image:

Image:

Code: