IT NEVER RAINS BUT POURS!

It never rains but pours! In a chilling incident, yesterday’s newspaper reported the gruesome murder of a young woman by her boyfriend at Mliba. Just last week, there was another story, and the week before, and the stories never end.To what end shall we remain victims of this kind of abuse as women? We keep hoping and praying that it won’t happen to us, but do we think the women who end up victims were not praying and hoping enough?

Understand

Whatever divine intervention we are waiting for, by the time it comes, there will only be a few women left. One thing that we all need to understand is that domestic abuse is often a hidden crime that is not reported to the police, especially in our Swati society. Therefore, data held by the police can only provide a partial picture of the actual level of domestic abuse experienced. Moreover, the stories that we read about, cases that are reported, are most likely old cases that are now being reported just because there’s a more serious consequence to the abuse, such as pregnancy as a result of rape, or grievous bodily harm as a result of assault, or worse, death as a direct result of murder.

There are consequences of gender-based violence that are hardly ever mentioned, such as depression and other mental health issues. This is because no one ever draws the line that connects domestic violence to mental issues, and these are often dismissed as ‘baby mama drama’ or ‘an ex who is still attached’ and other variations of victim-blaming that may occur.

Emotions

In an unrelated incident, I was recently robbed by a woman while waiting for a kombi at the bus stop at Kwaluseni. As a previous victim of robbery, this triggered negative emotions for me, and I reacted more aggressively than I should have, especially because she wasn’t successful in stealing anything from me. I am sharing this because if I could react violently to an unsuccessful robbery, how would one react to multiple acts of violence against her when she is faced with a more serious situation that threatens her life? Not everyone can employ their fight or flight instinct immediately when faced with danger. Some will delay and end up creating a more chaotic situation around them.

Anyway, one of the ways in which most women fall victim to domestic violence is through controlling behaviours from their partners. Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

I know many women who have normalised having their cell phones monitored by their partners. We may make fun all we like, but the ‘awuyi lapho’ joke isn’t really a joke; it’s a lived reality for many women. When one controls your behaviours, actions, and activities, they really have you living under their spotlight. That is the worst form of abuse because you cannot even escape long enough to ask for help without them knowing. So how does one escape this?

Not in a million years did I ever think I’d be involved in a conversation, writing piece, or anything that involves coming up with ways in which victims can protect themselves. It is not the duty of the victim to find ways not to be victims; it is the duty of the perpetrator to do better. We are giving victims too much work and blaming them in the process. But I still feel if we do not protect ourselves, then who will? We need to start with recognising red flags and taking action.

A perpetrator will exhibit behaviours and characteristics that will make you notice patterns from previous abusers. They will not get better; they never do, so best protect yourself and leave. Leaving an abuser is really the first and best option. Take yourself out of the situation before you can seek help elsewhere. Then report. Report the abuse, no matter how small. The law is there to protect you and those around you!

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