God Save Us From These Animals!

If I think of the one thing I have spent the most time screaming silently in my head over the last couple of weeks – aside from ‘Somebody chuck me on a plane home!’ and ‘I need a drink!’—it is ‘GOD SAVE US FROM THESE ANIMALS!’

In the 21st century, animals are taking over our world. Scientists have proved—although they haven’t told us yet—that we are losing that humanly love with each other, but instead, we are slowly switching to adoring animals, albeit, to the utter disgust to those of us who are still quite pro-human.

First, it was Paul the ‘genius’ octopus who became internationally famous for correctly predicting the winner of Germany’s seven matches at the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final.

Although ‘retired’ now (there IS a God), unlike the average Swazi youth, the octopus had an occupation.

Wikipedia lists the weirdo living in a tank at a Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany as a) Exhibit b) Psychic Football Pundit 2008 – 2010. Yes, psychic.

And yes, I am sighing. Because the ugly, slimy thing chose to eat food in one box rather than another; it was all over my face, my TV, my Facebook, my newspapers, my gossip and my google (I could swear at one point the only response I got was ‘you better ask Paul’).

Forget all the logistics and the bias involved - the octopus gained so much fame in one week than Khanyi Mbau could ever dream of in three lifetimes.

And just when that was dying down, allowing people to go back to their senses—Panjo came along. The world went mad again; and again, for all the wrong reasons.

Phrases like ‘Panjo the pet TIGER is HARMLESS’, ‘Panjo found ALIVE’, ‘Panjo relaxing’, ‘Panjo was stressed’ and possibly ‘Panjo missed his cornflakes breakfast’ were to send my ulcer to new heights. Let’s take them one by one.

‘Panjo the pet tiger is harmless’ is a sentence no one should ever have the misfortune of writing. A TIGER? Harmless? Hello? We watch TV!

The furore about the pet tiger being found ‘alive’ totally missed the point with me because my initial thought when the news of a tiger on the loose in SA was ‘Skoni—lock my nephews indoors!’ and not ‘oh poor thing’.

We all learnt in Grade 2b that tigers are carnivorous; translated: they eat human beings.　

The shift of our interests, focus and hullabaloo from humans to animals, and snail-y type things and tigers for that matter, makes you question a lot of things in this life. Is my friend likely to feed me to her Chihuahua in the event of a severe drought? Honestly, what’s next? Manzini running wild with helicopters searching for Lucia the pet cock with requests that he (IT actually) shouldn’t be harmed (read: eaten) because Avi the owner would be devastated? GERROUTAHERE!

As we speak, the Spanish PM promised the security of a team of BODYGUARDS (I know) if Germany agrees to the whopping 30 000 Euros offer to transfer Paul for an exhibition in Spain. Seeing as to that the Germans have so far refused the ridiculous offer, how about we get Royal Villas to bid E30 to get the annoying thing ON THE MENU!

Somebody has to FRY-UP the octopus before we are forced to dance to the first single from the forthcoming Paul the Octopus Sings Elvis album! As for Panjo—I hope he (IT, IT, IT!) chokes on the breakfast of rice-krispies, ‘organic’ coffee and whatever posh stuff　a ‘harmless’ pet tiger eats.

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