Family should always have each other’s back, particularly in times of need. Life happens; with retrenchments, unexpected medical expenses or even death or divorce; a relative may reach out for temporary financial help.
However, if bailing someone out becomes a regular event, they may be financially irresponsible and abusing your kindness. It’s easy to fall into the trap of enabling. Our biggest mistake is to continue giving money to a family member who does nothing to change their situation,’ says Lizette Volkwyn, Master Life Coach and author.
If you say yes
If you can afford to, you may agree to help in a number of ways, from giving cash to buying food or gift vouchers, or paying one or more of their bills. Make sure you are clear on whether this is a gift or loan. If it’s a loan, agree on how and when it will be repaid. Everyone’s then on the same page, but this isn’t full-proof – you may find that relative knocking on your door again, despite your ground rules.
You can’t pour from an empty cup
The simple rule is, if you can’t afford it, don’t lend it. Also, do not go into debt to help them out – you’ll need to service this debt and it may affect your credit rating if you battle to keep up with repayments. Also, if helping means putting your own financial needs on ice you may eventually resent your needy relative, harming your relationship. Rather be honest (although this may not be appreciated) and encourage them to find a permanent solution.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of enabling.
Set boundaries
Being the go-to person for money can leave you feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and powerless. Setting boundaries takes back your power and is a form of self-care. It may feel selfish but taking care of your own finances first means you won’t be a burden to your children or anyone else later on in life. Boundaries are coupled with our core values. The challenge here is to put the emotions aside and understand the reality for what it is. The relative must be willing to change their ways. If not, you need to step up and focus on your values of responsibility and growth. Sadly, of course, if they won’t change despite your boundaries, they’ll simply move on to someone else to bail them out, blaming you for their poor habits.
Ring in the changes
People are often embarrassed to admit they can’t work with money, so it can be a delicate matter to address. Suggest that they share their budget with you, so you can help them structure their expenses and set small goals, or they can see a money coach or even a debt counsellor so that they can make long-term changes.
If they refuse, you may need to review the support you’ll offer.
Me before you
It’s important to remember that we’re not responsible for anyone else, no matter what our heart tells us.
Putting our values and responsibilities first isn’t easy, but we need to be true to ourselves. “Even if the relative resents us for having a better life than them, we all live by our own choices,” concludes Lizette.
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