As we enter the festive season, a time for family, we must stop and ask intriguing questions about our families and one of those questions is: ‘Why do brothers and sisters, who were once inseparable, grow apart with time?’ These are the same siblings who once shared hours together, comforted each other, shared secrets during their childhood, then became strangers as adults.
Conversations that once flowed naturally with jokes and laughter slowly feel forced or absent of true meaning. In my research on this topic, I found several reasons that contribute to this growing apart of siblings, which I hope will help other parents better understand their children and, more importantly, siblings understand each other.
Myth of a shared childhood
There is this assumption that siblings who grow up with the same childhood experience, under the same roof, will have the same story. Childhood is actually not a single narrative, but a collection of individual perceptions. Two children can grow up with the same parents in the same home but remember different childhoods.
One may remember a home filled with laughter, but the other remembers strict rules or a feeling of invisibility.
These feelings are not because one of them is wrong, but because memory is shaped by sensitivity, personality and most importantly, birth order.
A sensitive child might find the shouting of a strict father unnerving, while the other, with a stronger personality, is not troubled. The firstborn might remember being blamed for everything, while the lastborn remembers a great time or being left out of everything. These experiences form their childhood reality, which manifests strongly in the next point.
Invisible completion
Sibling rivalry never disappears but becomes more subdued, hiding behind adult diplomacy, while still shaping how they relate to each other. Childhood competition begins with trying to get attention or praise from parents. As they grow older, this competition remains and takes the form of a struggle to prove who has become more successful; whether financially, in establishing a stable home, career or gaining general recognition or fame.
Over time, this completion creates deep divides, with affection feeling as though it must be earned or defended. Instead of supporting each other, siblings may start comparing achievements.
This emotional scoreboard of who is doing what and achieving what soon erodes the closeness that once existed. As one or two siblings finally dominate the whole family, such that the rest are not considered, even by the parents, who, in their old age, have very little or no say. It takes serious maturity and true love to manage the success that keeps the family together.
Diverging life paths
Life will always lead siblings down different roads. The home setting creates a sense of unity, but as they become adults, they make their own choices which lead them in different directions. One may decide to go the conventional road of marriage, career and starting a family.
However, the other may decide on a more independent lifestyle, full of adventure and travel. These decisions may, over time, become a source of judgment from the one who chooses more ‘responsible’ roles.
The unfortunate truth is that we often expect our siblings to grow up beside us and share the same values and priorities, and if they don’t, it feels like a betrayal when it is not.
Accepting a sibling’s choices, including husbands or wives, even when they differ from our own perception or ideal, is one of the hardest tests of family love. Accepting that your sibling is in love with that partner and accepting him/her as your family member, despite what you feel about them. Accepting that there are different types of families from the one you both grew up in.
Wound of family injustice
Family injustice is not always about money and every family has its story. A child who was consistently praised might not realise the effect of this on the other siblings.
The older might find themselves carrying the heavy burden of looking after the younger sibling, to the point of losing opportunities and of being a child too.
Later on, there might be siblings who feel they always gave more without acknowledgement, maybe in supporting ageing parents, or other young siblings with school fees or other forms of support.
There are deeper wounds inflicted by parents or collective decisions taken by the family that can be inflicted on individual siblings. Families believe that because it is a collective decision, it should be fine.
Affected siblings slowly drift away, not because they stopped loving the family, but as a form of self-preservation. As we age, we choose which relationships we nurture and which ones we allow to fade.
If a relationship brings more pain than joy, distancing can feel like the only way to preserve emotional well-being. It’s the recognition that my siblings or family will never change, so I must walk away or die.
Burden of expectations
From childhood, we are taught to expect unwavering support from our siblings and family, including birthdays, general celebrations to sickness and much more.
However, life is complex and when that family does not provide that support or at least in the way that you were hoping they would, it feels like a betrayal.
At the same time, siblings and family have their own expectations. They grieve the siblings they once knew and fail to accept this one in front of them with their struggles and faults. Siblings may even create reasons why their sister or brother has changed.
Releasing these expectations is usually the only way of getting a way forward. It does not mean lowering our standards for love, but realising that no one is perfect and everyone has to play the cards they have been dealt.
One might not like the situation their sibling is in, but help by first accepting them the way they are and then providing assistance. Conditional assistance is not helpful.
The expectation of time
They say time waits for no man. We all say we will do this and that, but we never get around to doing it. We tell ourselves we will call tomorrow or that I will visit soon, but tomorrow turns into next month and next month into next year.
Before we know, it’s decades, and the reality is very strange. The tragedy is that the love still exists, it’s just buried under the many worries of this world. septembereswatini@gmail.com
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